


Skeleton Boy Right Before You

by lemonomin



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Highschool AU, M/M, Pining, alternarive universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-04 14:56:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 34,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21199532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonomin/pseuds/lemonomin
Summary: For seven years, Jeno felt closest to Jaemin. Who would’ve imagined that one person could feel so much like home?What Jeno doesn’t know kills Jaemin on the inside.





	1. You barely knew

  
  
“Jeno.You have to see this."

Jeno is not even half awake when he felt a heavy weight against his. Half his body weighed down on the bed with silent creaks. He refuses to open his eyes, body tired and head feeling like he just fell asleep not longer than five minutes ago.

"Come on, Jeno look."

He groaned in annoyance, covering his face with the pillow. But insistent hands yanked the pillow away from him, creating a small thud as it fell on the floor right below the bed. The next thing he felt were the hands grasping on his wrists, and soft hair nuzzling on his neck. "Stop it! Let me sleep!" He squeaked, blindly pushing him off with eyes still closed.

"Jeno Jeno Jeno Jeno Jeno."

It didn't stop. _"Jeno Jeno."_ But he already knew he wouldn't, until Jeno entertains him . "What do you want this early, Jaemin?" Jeno gave in, painstakingly open his eyes, the light from the ceiling making it difficult. 

Jaemin had always been persistent, stubborn, doesn't stop until he gets what he wants, knows his way to make Jeno yield to him. 

"Uh-huh." Jaemin cheered as if he achieved something. He flashed his phone screen on Jeno's face, mouthing an apology when Jeno squints at the brightness and lowered it. "Look, look."

Jeno peered at it and struggled to read with one eye. It was the poster of Aladin movie with a promo package of It 2 movie tickets and snacks: peach soda, hotdogs, and popcorn. He groaned, already knowing what Jaemin wants. "Just let me slee-"

"No, no, no." Jaemin disagrees with his pleasant tone of voice. No matter who he talks to, even when he's talking to someone older or younger, or whether he was pissed, his tone never changed once. At least not the whole seven years of Jeno knowing him. It always feel like watching a kindergarten teacher telling a story to his students, or in Jeno's case, he felt like a five year old when speaking to him. "Look, we split the price to half. Don't be stingy and demand that I treat you, okay?"

A smile crept up on Jeno's face like he's fully awaken now, his eyes disappearing to thin slits. What it does to Jaemin, _oh _he knows_._ He lifts his head up and rested it on Jaemin's shoulder blade who's now find his own spot on the other side of Jeno's bed. "Jaemin-ah... "

"No."

"Nana..."

Jaemin sighs out loud. "Fine, fine. Just get up already. I made you breakfast."

Jeno snickers and decided not to stress on how Jaemin can't say no to him in case he would take it back. But it's not like Jaemin would take it back. "Give me five minutes." Actually, he’s always looking forward to anything Jaemin makes in the kitchen but he won’t admit to that, too. All because it’s too cringy.

"No, the milk is going to get cold."

"Please." Jeno closed his eyes already.

"Fine. I'll make you another one."

When he wakes up another time, it certainly wasn't five minutes had passed because Jaemin is already by the huge swivel mirror from across their beds, fixing his hair which implies that he showered. Jaemin doesn't shower for less than half an hour.

"Hey." Jaemin greets from the mirror reflection, brushing up his bangs. His bestfriend always likes to look dazzling and spends so much time admiring himself. Jeno had gave him enough shit about the mirror impending to crack, giving out due to Jaemin's ugly face. But they both know that isn't true.

"What time is it?" He asked, getting up from bed. Worried that he overslept.

" Go wash up first."

Jeno hummed and makes his way to the bathroom. Between the two of them, Jaemin is more of like the impeccable person. He likes everything to be in order, but not to the point that his clothes are arranged by colors accordingly, though they are perfectly folded. His drawers were organized, desk is clean, and the stuffed toys in his bed are set out tidy. In the morning, he would allot an hour and a half to prepare for school. There are instances too when Jeno would adapt Jaemin's routines of taking paper mints after every meal when they're outside the house away from their toothbrushes, and his habit of folding his earphones neatly. Jaemin is in charged of cooking and cleaning their dorm room, and Jeno claimed that he himself is in charge of being handsome.

Sometimes, they would practice with their friends at the dancing studio in school. Jaemin would often complain about them being covered in sweat, after practice or after P.E or when they would play basketball and football for fun, so he got used to taking a shower in school. They both enjoy taking parts in sports activities, they both love coffee although there are times when Jeno doesn't understand why Jaemin is obsessed with it, playing computer games, eating street foods and ramen, riding hoverboards, and skipping classes with their friends. They are basically the same person, like what their friends would always say, with only a little difference. Only a _little_.

Ever since Jeno knew Jaemin seven years ago, they were both transferees in gradeschool, he knew they would click when, in a room filled with Batman, Superman, and Spiderman backpacks, theirs were Iron Man. Jeno decides he would sit beside him and called Jaemin, "The coolest guy in class next to me." It was difficult at first because Jaemin was a little moody way back, sometimes he's lively, sometimes he doesn't talk much. But right now, he's just Jaemin. His best friend.

"Hey, do you think I could pull off a mustache?" Jaemin asked.

He's still by the mirror by the time Jeno finished and he swore he's no less than 15 minutes in the shower.

"Huh?" Jeno huffed to express his disgust.

"Woah-- and you're really out here half naked again. Really Jeno." Jaemin scolds.

Jeno basically ignores him. Too occupied with his one hand holding the bath towel wrapped around his waist to keep it in place, his other hand rummaging for the clothes in his drawer, it's a complete mess. He'd ask Jaemin to arrange it later. He ignored the comment about his nudity though and proceeds to the bathroom.

Contrary to what was said on the news, there's not a sight of the sun in the cloudy sky on a Saturday. Hence, Jeno stood by the bus stop clutching his bare arms, shivering and making weird noises.

"Honestly, Jeno, nobody told you to wear that rag."

Jeno huffs, offended, for him to hear Jaemin named his gorgeous sleeveless Nirvana shirt a rag. It was the first time he wore it after buying it a month ago and he waited for the perfect weather. Besides, Jaemin bought the same shirt, he was the most excited about it between the two of them, and his audacity to call it a rag? It's weird for them to have a couple shirt so he decided to cut off the sleeves on his. Though honestly, he's really upset at how serious Jaemin sounded. It's a tone he rarely uses. The last time he heard Jaemin talked that way had been months ago when he overheard Jaemin scolding his little cousin on the phone.

"What did you call a rag?!" Jeno defends.

Jaemin sighed out loud. "Why are you such a baby." He whines about, taking off his jacket. He lifted Jeno’s arms up, slipping it on on his sleeve.

Jeno allows him because it was normal, it was ordinary, it's what they do. Until he noticed the two kids who are watching them in awe then he felt embarrassed. Jaemin would laugh if he found out Jeno is embarrassed in front of kids who are probably not even half their age so he tried to pull away.

Knowing Jaemin though, he only pulled the other closer and starts mumbling with his cute, or more like funny voice, “My baby is all grown up. Ah I raised you so well.” He continued to pout teasingly and Jeno just wants to smack his face but he laughs with it. “Honestly, Jeno. You are wide aware that it’s cold in the cinema, right?”

Jeno made and ‘o’ face. He was eager to find a chance when to wear that tank top according to the weather that he forget where they’re going. Now Jaemin is only wearing an overzised white shirt and he feels bad that the other will feel cold in the cinema now that he’s wearing his denim jacket. “You could’ve reminded me when we were home.”

Jaemin only smirked and winked at him as the bus stopped in front of them.

Jeno wouldn’t want to go to the details but even after knowing Jaemin for seven years, there are still things about him that he couldn’t quite put his hands to. There are times when Jaemin would be talktative, to the point where he is talking fast or doing it with his pouty voice and he talks and talks until it becomes annoying, but there are certain times too when he wouldn’t say anything at all even if they gather with their friends. There are times when he would be playful, clinging to Jisung and Chenle, their younger friends, until he gets on their nerves and laughs it off. But there are times too when he would avoid physical contact like pushing them away or telling them to be quiet. Jeno couldn’t count the times when Jaemin pushed him away either. But Jaemin still turns out to be the favorite hyung of their younger friends, or the favorite dongsaeng of their older friends—“Because he’s a sweetheart.” they would say. The girls from their school likes Jaemin, his smile-so lovely, they would say, his voice-attractive, they would say, or even when he doesn't do anything at all. Jeno always gives him a damn whenever he flirts with literally every girl he encounters, but then Jaemin would only reason out that he is only romantic and _friendly _unlike Jeno who is heartless. He wonder if he’s the only one who noticed these tiny details about Jaemin. But then again, maybe because they are basically together all the time. They even made it a point that they could already understand each other just looking by the other’s eyes, Jaemin said once. But it was lie, for Jeno.

The movie ended and Jeno anxiously missed half of it with all these thoughts in mind. Jaemin’s cheek was cold on Jeno’s neck when the other leans in, and he asked, “Jeno, are you watching? Or did you come to the cinema to think out loud?”

Waking up his from his trance, Jeno flinches a little when Jaemin’s cold palm tapped at the hole of his ripped jeans. But what surprised him more was the credit role now playing on the huge screen and the people scrambling out of the cinema.

Jaemin didn't ask him what he was thinking.

"I feel bad that I wore your jacket yesterday, now you caught a cold." Jeno apologized with his lips on a thin line. They are seated on a coffee shop near the bus station. After their third class, Jaemin insisted he needed a cup of good coffee and Jeno couldn't convince him that what he actually need is a good rest and that they should come home. They left the school early, skipping the last subject with the help of Yeonwoo, their class president who made an excuse to their adviser.

Jaemin only snorts, fingers playing with the sugar cubes on the table.

“I wonder what she’s going to tell Mr. Seo this time.” Jeno leans in his chair.

“She’ll take care of it for sure.” Jaemin gave him a reassuring smile. “By the way, Hyuck said to me he’s coming back with Renjun tomorrow and ask for us to pick them up at the airport. I mean we skipped classes today. I don’t think it will be okay if we skip again tomorrow.”

Jeno nods. “They should ask Mark hyung instead. Honestly, who told them to go on vacation the exact day the school year starts? They’re already missed a week of classes. They’re doomed.”

“Well, not Renjun, of course. Teachers' favorite.” Jaemin nods. “Jeno, how sick do you think I am right now?”

Jeno stares back at Jaemin, raising his brow at the question. “If you weren’t voted as the class’ escort this school year, I would’ve said you’re ugly sick.”

Jaemin chuckles, putting another sugar cube in his coffee. “Still bitter about that?”

Jeno rolled his eyes. Ever since in gradeschool, he’s always been voted as the class’ escort. It wasn’t a competition even though Jaemin is nominated alongside him. It’s just that, Jaemin won this time. “All the girls like you, and you know that.”

Literally every girls in class raised a hand to vote for him. Jaemin is a sweet-talker and could make anyone’s heart flutter with just his smile. Their friends, especially Donghyuck, would give him a damn about it and call him a flirt but Jaemin would always say that he’s just friendly. Jeno is nothing like that at all. It’s always been difficult for him to communicate with people he isn’t very familiar with. He still wonders how he was able to approach Jaemin the first time they meet each other, but, look at them now.

“Let’s take a taxi. It’s rush hour. Don’t want you feeling uncomfortable inside a crowded bus.” Jaemin said.

What both Jeno and Jaemin didn’t expect the next day when they got out of the door of their dorm room to go to class, were Renjun and Donghyuck, still clad in their Hawaiian themed clothing, looking ridiculous with their colored glasses, and huge luggage in hand.

“Hell no.” Jeno whispered.

“Hello.” Donghyuck corrected him and push past the door.

They are here, which means it’s already decided that the two are gonna stay over for god knows how long and there’s nothing Jeno and Jaemin can do about it. “Just let us stay for a little while until we come up with a perfect excuse as to why we haven’t been showing up in our dorm for ten days, please.” Renjun tried his best to make it sound like more of a favor than an order. 

Since it’s already been decided an unfortunate day with Renjun and Donghyuck coming in to the scene, both Jeno and Jaemin retired from bugging the two who decided to sleep in their beds. They’re still in their school uniform hanging out at the couch in their balcony, Jaemin playing Call Of Duty with his mobile phone while Jeno is solving a rubics cube, head resting on Jaemin’s lap.

“I’d finished two rounds and you have yet to solve that. “ Jaemin comments, though eyes still trained on the game in his phone screen.

“I’m really bad at this.” Jeno groaned, head playfully digging at Jaemin’s thighs.

“Oi oi oi oi!” Jaemin yelps that had Jeno burst into laughter, he hits Jeno on the chest. “What a pervert.”

Jeno is still laughing when Jaemin manhandles him and switched their position so now Jaemin is the one laying his head on his lap. “Don’t be weird, okay?”

“That’s just you.”

Jeno wakes up to the sound of a suppressed yawn . It took him long enough to fix his eyes and found Renjun by the railing of their balcony, his eyes look intent, probably taking in the view of the sunset. With that, he wakes Jaemin, carefully nudging on his hair to get him up. He’s a light sleeper.

“This is really romantic, you know.” Renjun muses all of a sudden, making Jeno hum in question. “The sunset. The sky changing from hundreds of colors to a dark navy blue. It will always turn to blue.”

Jeno would’ve laugh it off it was someone else who said it but then it was Renjun. He notes that among their group of friends, Renjun was the most difficult to predict. Him being the smartest among them could be the reason why. “How is that romantic.” He whispered with an eye roll.

“Like a reassurance, it is. That no matter how many times it changes, it will still end up with blue.” Jaemin who is now awake too, answered. But he didn’t get up from Jeno’s lap and only covered his eyes with the back of his palm.

“That’s nice.” Jeno smiled. He quite caught that, but didn’t felt that. Probably when he gets to the age of being ignited with the complications of romance, he will. “Did you bring us anything?”

Renjun nods. “Donghyuck bought you a couple slippers.”

“A couple!?” Jeno asked incredulous. “Well, guess what I have something for you, too.”

“Huh?”

“A pile of notes and home works you need to catch up to, of course.” Jaemin informs him.

There’s a newly opened restaurant a few blocks from their dorm that serves burgers, pizza, fries and milkshakes varieties of sweets that guarantee diabetes. Upon hearing about it from Renjun, Jeno couldn’t wait to try it with Jaemin and Chenle tagged along with them.

From their table, Jeno watches Jaemin on the counter. The line gotten longer from Jaemin’s turn on the counter and from the smile of the lady on the cashier, Jeno can’t be mistaken that Jaemin is at it with his flirting again, probably asking for extra Pocky sticks on his chocolate shake. Usually, Jaemin would get away from trouble with his flowery wrods, or that he would get special treatments or even extra freebies. _“That’s how the world works, you should try it sometimes.”_ Jaemin would always tell him.

In their silent table, Chenle’s laughter that sounds like a dolphin erupts upon realising what Jaemin is up to, although they can’t hear his conversation with the cashier at all from their table. “Jaemin hyung is really incredible!”

“Oh. Gross.” Renjun huffs, so done with this.

Jeno though only snorts as he is still amused by this, and watches Jaemin makes it back to their table who sends him a wink. He laughed at the way the younger protruded his lips as if to send him a kiss. “Gross.” He whines about.

“Gross.” Jaemin copied him and takes his seat. “Where’s Jisung and Mark hyung?”

“Jisung has tonsillitis. He really wanted to come but he won’t be able to enjoy the food. I told him we could go next time.” Chenle says.

“Mark hyung is too busy. I wonder if that’s how it really is for senior years. Or if he’s just a little stupid than others that he had to study twice as hard.” Renjun jokes, earning a laugh from Chenle. “We don’t have a friend named Lee Donghyuck, I believe.”

“Who’s that again?” Jeno plays with him.

“Stop that, stop that.” Jaemin butts in, patting Jeno on the knee. “If he finds out, he’s certainly going to be violent about this. He’ll pinch your arms again.”

“Overprotective, eh?” Renjun raised a brow to Jaemin as if to challenge him.

“I don’t think you’ll see the sun tomorrow, though.” Jaemin tells Renjun.

“Let’s just call Donghyuck hyung to come here.” Jeno suggested.

When their orders arrive, Donghyuck finally answered the call and turns out he’s with Mark watching some basketball game at Mark's house, and Chenle mourns how much he regrets coming with them because _poor Jisungie is the only one who isn’t having fun._

“I’ll take him to the doctor tomorrow.” Jaemin offers.

“Yes, please do that. I couldn’t convince him. Saying he’s afraid of needles like the baby he is.” Chenle says a matter of factly. Jisung, despite his manly appearance and incredibly long legs, he’s quite the scaredy cat.

It wouldn’t be a problem anymore if Jaemin would come and convince him to go to the doctor, Jeno is sure about that. And so is everyone, judging from the way Renjun nods in agreement and the worry from Chenle’s face disappears in an instant. That’s the effect Na Jaemin has to everyone and Jeno had always been proud of him. ILooking at it, it seems the whole box of pocky is in Jaemin’s choco shake while his only has two sticks.

“What?” Jaemin asked him with a laugh, already knowing what he’s sulking about. He took five Pocky from his shake so there’s only one left, then put in on Jeno’s. “Happy?”

Jeno smiled almost sheepishly, but gladly accepts it. Who would say no to good food.

Renjun belched. “Jeno’s at it with his aegyo again.”

“Hey, I don’t do that!” Jeno objects, looking damn offended. He’s dead manly. It’s Jaemin’s really cringy habit, not his. It only makes it worse when he saw Jaemin giving Renjun a look. “What the hell was that!?” He hits Renjun on the shoulder.

“Oh!” Renjun dramatically exclaimed, holding his chest in defense. “Why are you only hitting me and not him!?” He demands, pointing at Jaemin.

“You guys...” Jaemin laughed, shaking his head. “Let’s eat before the food gets cold.”

"What do I do, Jaemin hyung? My shake is cold." Chenle snickered.

Renjun was too pissed at Jeno that he literally pushed him off the last bus so Jaemin stayed with him as they walk home. It was freezing cold. Not even the hoodie he’s wearing can warm him up.

“Wanna grab some coffee?” Jaemin offered when they passed by a vending machine on a sidewalk.

“Na-ah. Nana, you already downed five cups of coffee the whole day. I won’t help you make it six.” Jeno says stern, hands trembling in the pockets of his hoodie.

“You’re cold.” Jaemin states obviously and scoots closer so their shoulders are bumping as they walk.

When they passed by an Internet cafe, Jeno complains how crazy it is that they can’t set up a gaming pc in the dorm due to the strict student policy. His dramatic complaints continue to Bongsik, Seol and Nal being the saddest babies the world for not having him around.

“This is why I kept telling you let’s move to a condominium.” Jaemin reminds him. He’s been offering the idea ever since they started Junior high school.

“Nah.” Jeno shakes his head. “If you end up paying 95% of the rent, I wont be able to sleep at night.”

There’s a difference between their social status and Jeno doesn’t want to take advantage of Jaemin. Even now, Jaemin would always insist to pay whenever they eat somewhere, or that he will give Jeno expensive gifts even if there’s no occasion. But Jeno would always make sure he’d be just as thoughtful even if he couldn’t buy him gifts just as expensive. It’s the thought that counts, he reassures himself. Jaemin’s genuine smiles are reassuring too whenever Jeno would give him something.

Jeno lives a normal life. His mother works in the office while his father owns a Pet Shop, his older sister, a fresh graduate architect still looking for work. Unlike Jaemin who’s born rich. His parents are doctors and they own a hospital.

“Come on, you don’t have to worry yourself about that.” Jaemin pats his head and placed his warm palm on his nape, keeping it there.

“But if you really want to go there, then you should go.” Jeno tells him. He doesn’t want to hold him back on doing something that he likes. He immediately regrets saying it when he saw Jaemin’s face changed, and the palm that was gently massaging his nape drops. “In one condition, only if you visit me everyday.”

He didn’t want to live away with Jaemin, of course. In case the younger misunderstood that.

Jaemin snorts a laugh. “Oh Jeno, even if it’s in the dumpster, I will live with you.” His tone was playful as he nuzzles the top of his head on Jeno’s cheek..

“That’s gross!” Jeno playfully pushed him away, laughing. “What do you take me for? One of your side chic?”

“Nah. My main boo.”

Jeno pinched Jaemin on his sides and laughed their way back to their dorm.

Jeno wonders how embarrassed Jisung must’ve feel when Jaemin would baby him in public, like when they are at school with all the other students seeing it. He watches Jaemin wiping the sweat off of Jisung’s face from playing football with a towel. “My baby did so well.” Jaemin kept saying, even with Jisung demanding for him to stop. Nobody asked, but Jaemin established that he gave birth to him and that he watches Jisung grow up.

“If I were Jisung I’d totally punch him.” Donghyuck cringes, imitating a boxing champion by punching the air.

“Yeah, I’m quite into punching Jaemin these days.” Mark comments. He rarely keep up with anyone’s joke, and by suddenly saying a violent one at that.

Everyone of his friends on the bleachers shoots him a look, except for Jaemin and Jisung who are oblivious to what Mark said. Jeno hummed to question that, but Mark laughed it off saying it was nothing.

“Mark hyung scares me sometimes.” Jeno nervously laughs.

“I’m beginning to think the ‘No Jam’ title now belongs to Mark hyung.” Renjun rolls his eyes.

“Imagining punching Jaemin though, that would be nice.” Donghyuck comments as they watch Jaemin comes forth to a group of smiling girls. “Oh would you look at that oh, disgusting.”

Jeno couldn’t help but make the same face as Donghyuck when Jaemin stopped by a bench of what look like women from the senior year, who’s practically asking Jaemin to do act cute them. “I can’t take this anymore.” He fakes a vomit.

“Oh, is someone jealous?” Renjun asked to no one in particular.

“Who’s jealous?” Jaemin asked, who makes a beeline to the bleachers to sit beside Jeno.

“Who’s jealous?” Jeno wonders and asked Renjun who only laughed in response.

“Renjun’s gotten weird these days. This is what happens when you consume too much arsenic in the laboratory room. You’ll be a mad scientist sooner or later.” Donghyuck tells him loud.

“What do you know about the laboratory room? You’ve never come to class.” Renjun retorts making everyone boo at Donghyuck who only makes a face in return.

“Old man Kim was right. He said you’d be a womanizer when you grow older.” Jeno tells Jaemin once their back on the dorms on their beds, talking about their class adviser in sixth grade. Jaemin must’ve been tired flirting the whole day.

Contrary to Jeno who’s having a difficulty in talking to people he just met, until now, Jaemin had always been oozing with confidence. He is notably confident when talking to girls, that must have what had old man Kim to say that.

Jaemin who’s covered in blanket shoots up from his bed and darts to Jeno’s, worrying the latter that he might have offended him.

He stared up at Jaemin who’s just looking down at him with sleepy eyes.

“Jeno, can I sleep in your bed?” Jaemin asked.

“Huh?”

“I might dream about old man Kim, I’m really really scared right now.”

“You’re lying.” Although he remembers how much the old teacher has scolded Jaemin before, even on his very little offense. Old man Kim would try his best to make Jaemin cry, but he just wouldn’t. Despite his cringy smooth acts, Jaemin had always been tough.

“See?” Jaemin lift up Jeno’s hand to his bare chest.

“You’re only palpitating because of coffee, you know.” Jeno had to say, although making a space for Jaemin to sleep on. Hissing, he turned his back on him and felt a hand snakes his waste. “And go wear a shirt.”

“Why are you so strict today?” Jaemin planted his face on Jeno’s back, worrying the other that his backbone is must’ve hurt on Jaemin’s nose.

“I am?” Jeno questions and covered his face with a pillow. He’s dead tired from the dance practice and wonders where is Jaemin getting all this energy from. Probably because the latter kept on slacking throughout the practice.

Ten, they’re senior dance leader, registered their team on annual campus dance competition that will be held four months from now. It’s not any time soon, but Ten is known for being a perfectionist when it comes to his choreos. He assigned Jeno to lead whenever he’s busy with his schedule.

“You kept scolding me at the studio today.”

“Because you kept getting things wrong when we’ve been doing the same steps twenty times.” Jeno rolled his eyes so hard that it starts to hurt. Jaemin would’ve laughed if he’d seen that.

“But you weren’t scolding Hyuck.” Jaemin complained.

“He’s trying his best. You aren’t.” Jeno retorts. Donghyuck kept getting things wrong too but he was paying attention. Unlike Jaemin who’s face is planted on his phone. Jeno isn’t strict enough to call him out for that or to actually tell him to stop doing whatever it is he’s doing.

“I’m supposed to be your favorite.”

“Let me sleep.” Jeno heaves a sigh.

“Tell me I’m your favorite.” The younger demands.

Jaemin is really weird right now and Jeno is actually disgusted that Jaemin is using the same tone when he flirts with all the girls to Jeno. “Leave me alone.”

Jaemin tightens his hold on his waist. “Not in a lifetime.”

“Yeah right, that’s how you do it, huh. You do it so well.” Jeno hisses. “Go get a girlfriend and stop flirting with everyone.”

“You want me to get a girlfriend?”

“I’d be really glad, Jaemin. If that’s gonna change your flirty ass.”

“I don’t want a girlfriend.”

“Get a boyfriend, then.” Jeno for awhile stares blankly and waits for a retort. “Hey.” He calls and shifted, but Jaemin was unmoving and he realised he’s fell asleep already when he hears his little snores. “Idiot.”

Jeno wakes up with a stinging pain in his limbs. Last night, he stilled in his position so he wouldn’t wake Jaemin up and he fell asleep like that with his back arched. Like the usual, he’d be the last to wake up between them and he hissed when the sun from the window hits his still sleepy eyes. Weekends are made for high school students like them to sleep away, but it was different from Jaemin who’d be up at 6 o’clock in the morning, drinking his coffee while reading a newspaper. It’s quite hilarious how Jaemin would remind him of his own father sometimes.

After he washed up and sat with Jaemin in their dining table, smelling the strong scent of coffee and pancakes, it’s only when he realized he forgotten something. “Oh, I promised Hyuck we were going to jog today.”

“It’s 10 o’clock.” Jaemin states a matter-of-factly, adjusting his glasses without even sparing Jeno a glance.

Jeno shrugs and digs in the pancake. “Well, I doubt he expected anything anyway.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything, scanning through the pages of the newspaper. He’d always loved to read and there are piles of books in the drawers and shelves anywhere in their small dorm room.

“Are we going to your eye doctor today?” Jaemin asked after long while.

Jeno swallowed the last bite of his pancake before he shakes his head. “Think I could ask them to reschedule my lasik surgery till next year?”

“Why don’t you do it now? It’s better to take care of it sooner.” Jaemin puts his newspaper down, now focused on Jeno.

Throughout his childhood up until now, Jeno had to live with a terrible vision. It’s not that he couldn’t actually see, but his right eye suffers from moderate visual impairment. He’d alternate from wearing glasses at home to wearing contacts at school but it had always been a burden to Jeno who’s active in many sports and school activities. He often forgets he’s wearing contacts and would often scratch his eyes. His eye doctor endorsed him to a Lasik surgery he’s been trying to avoid since last year for two main reasons; the surgery is damn expensive, and he couldn’t imagine how the operation would go and what the healing process would be. It was Jaemin's parents who suggested the eye surgeon for him.

“I can still see with my left eye, I’ll be fine.”

“The discrepancy of your vision is why your head hurts all the time. How is that fine?” Jaemin questions and leans in close to the table. Maybe he’s scolding now because Jeno was strict to him last night.

“I will but not now.” Jeno hisses. “It will be a hassle to go home after surgery for mom to look after me. Her working hours is—-“

“There’s no need for you to go home. I’ll take care of you here.”

Taken aback, no he wasn’t taken aback, Jaemin would’ve do that for him of course. But actually hearing it had Jeno to look up at Jaemin who’s looking at him intently. “Jaemin-ah, don’t worry too much.”

Jaemin actually starts to show more of his affection when he’s serious. But he could’ve done it in a less annoying way, not the Renjun way. Sometimes he’d like to remind Jaemin who’s older between the two of them. Oftentimes, he gets to the point where he would baby Jeno but the latter would find it annoying because he speaks the tone he uses with his flirting. “I’m not one of your side chic.” he would tell him, but this time he decided not to. There’s more maturity in Jaemin’s antics, just like what they’re friends would say, but Jeno wouldn’t dare admit to that.

It’s another one or two minutes of Jaemin looking at him straight in the eyes before he finally utters. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Exactly how deliberately Jaemin thought about answer? Jeno only snorts. “You’re one to talk. I know you’ve been slacking dance practice because your back hurts, you tell me.”

To his surprise, Jaemin only hummed and innocent “Huh?” before he goes back to his newspaper, nervous hands quickly flipping the pages.

That had Jeno shaking his head, he gets up with his plate and proceeds to the kitchen counter. It’s not always that they get into each others nerves, but they’ve had squabbles lighter than this one.

Jeno knows, despite his claims of being the mature one between them, that he is by no means to be apologetic. Besides, it's not like he did anything wrong and it's just Jaemin being pissy and insistent too early in the morning. He always lets the younger approach him first. He reasons, it’s an opportunity for Jaemin to put his flirty advances into good use. So he didn’t say a thing when he left their dorm at 2 o’clock on a Saturday afternoon and found no Jaemin in sight. He’s probably out buying bread or going lovey-dovey again with that one adorable grandmother from the neighborhood. He didn’t look for him but left a message on their group chat: “ I’ll be up in the studio in 20 minutes. I’m on my way.”

When he arrives, it’s only him and Jisung, their dance leader Ten wasn’t there yet. Jeno’s passion for dancing is at the towering heights, but then there’s Jisung who probably shares the same passion so he’s always adored the younger. He’d once or twice notice one of their dancers being tardy, but never Jisung.

“Eh, Jeno hyung. I forgot to tell you, Chenle and the guys from my class wouldn’t make it to the practice today. Their theatre play is on Monday.” Jisung says once they’re finished stretching. His legs more relaxed this time.

“Oh.” Jeno almost gasps. So it’s just him, Jisung, Yangyang, and......where the hell is Jaemin. He quickly fumbled for his phone in his bag to check if Jaemin had sent him a text but there's none. So he decides to leave a message for Ten instead, “Hyung, some of the kids excused themselves today. You don’t have to come, I’ll take care of it.”

He instantly received a reply from Ten that says, _“I got stuck at the printing station. Guess I’ll head home now? Thanks for taking care of everything, Jeno. I’ll see you on Tuesday!”_

“Not a problem, hyung.” He replied.

“Oh, we’re not late!” Xiaojun exclaimed when he entered the room with Yangyang, both panting probably from running that they had to slump on the hard floor. Their bags sprawled across the floor.

“Xiaojun hyung, Yangyang hyung.” Jisung greets them.

“Why is there no one around?” Xiaojun asked, still catching his breath.

“Ah.” Yangyang exclaimed. “The kids will have a play on Monday, Chenle told me.” He remembers and help Xiaojun to get up.

“Where’s Jaemin?” Xiaojun asked. Immediately, all eyes are turned to Jeno.

He wonders how defensive he would sound if he actually raised his hands to his chest and replies with a “_why are you all looking at me.”_ So he opts to say, “I’ll look for him outside.”

Jeno sighed his way out of the studio. He could’ve simply message Jaemin to ask him where he is instead of walking kilometers three buildings away to the laboratory room. Either Jaemin must’ve been slacking over their what you can hardly call an argument earlier or that he’s got too immersed with his quality time on their neighbor grandma. As soon as he crossed the threshold to the laboratory room and finds only Renjun in his nature, all clad in his lab gown, Jaemin wasn’t there at all. It’s Saturday and there are no students around so it’s only logical that if Jaemin isn’t in the dance studio with him, he’ll be at the lab with Renjun.

“Where’s Jaemin?” He asked. He knows better than to lean in the lab counter to see what Renjun is doing, the latter would be really frantic about it. Happens one time when he accidentally spits on whatever it is Renjun is doing while he was speaking, he could’ve sworn the smaller would punch him if Jaemin wasn’t there.

“I don’t know, ask Jeno.” Renjun answered, not even batting an eyelash. 

“Huh?” Jeno replies, confused.

“Why are you asking me, did you two fight?”

He could’ve sworn Renjun snorts a laugh.

“We don’t fight.” Jeno’s response was confident and quick.

“Really? You had to come here all the way from the studio when you to ask me? Don't you live together? And the fact that you don’t know where he is in the first place?” Renjun queries, eyes now aiming at Jeno as if boring holes into his head. There’s a hint of smirk on Renjun’s face.

“When did he become as annoying as you.” Jeno huffs, trying not to sound impatient. Renjun is actually inclined to the thought of being annoying. He enjoys getting on people’s nerves. He noticed how Jaemin would talk like Renjun sometimes, like earlier.

“So you two did fight?” Renjun pressed. “Woah. I see Jaemin’s gotten pretty cool lately. I’ll contact you in secret if he comes here.”

Today is horrible and Jeno could line it up as one of the worst days in his life if he decides to be more dramatic about it. Jeno’s reluctant whether or not he’s going back to the studio was cut short when he received a message from Ten asking, _“How’s everything?”_ Jeno replied with a simple, “All is good, Hyung. Don’t worry too much.”

It's probably going to rain. he sky was of deep gray and the clouds looks like fog that spreads across the horizon, the entire opposite of how bright blue it was a few hours ago. He rushed back to the studio to find Jisung teaching Yangyang and Xiaojun the steps they missed from yesterday’s practice. “I think it’s going to rain.” Jeno informs them.

“Yeah?” Jisung dashed to the speaker to turn off the music and joined Xiaojun who opened the studio window to see. “It’s gotten really dark.”

“I don’t have an umbrella with me.” Xiaojun announce. Already sending Yangyang a horror look.

“Me neither.” Yangyang agrees. “We came here all the way from a basketball bet.”

Jeno would’ve third the motion but he says instead, “We should head home and catch the bus. It would be difficult if it starts to rain.”

Everyone agreed to that and they helped each other clean up the studio before they leave. Jeno walked with them to the gates but he waved them off and decides to go back to the campus. Doesn’t matter how annoying Renjun is, Jeno is worried because Renjun lives miles away from their campus and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t catch the last bus if it suddenly starts raining. While making his way to the threshold, that’s when the small drops of rain began to pour. He wishes Jisung and the guys already made it to their bus. When he entered the laboratory room, surprised to find Jaemin there while Renjun was on the racks, free from his laboratory gown and fixing his bag.

Immediately, he caught Jaemin’s eyes. As always, his eyes are unreadable but Jeno is certain they don’t shine as bright as the look Jaemin would give him every time they would see each other. But it changes quickly, because Jaemin smiled and his eyes are like the stars again. Ever since they were kids, Jaemin always get praised for his pretty eyes.

“Ehem.” Renjun coughed to distract. “You two done staring at each other?” He teased, lifting his back pack and turning off what could be the switch of his experiment equipments.

Jeno doesn’t say anything and was about to turn his back when he hears Jaemin says, “Jeno, wait.” He hopped down from the counter he's sitting on and Jeno was confused for a moment when Jaemin crouched down in front of him. Then there was Renjun sighing from the background and turning off the lights, leaving them both. It was so dark inside the room and he was about to pull away but Jaemin stills him on his ankle to tie his shoelace he didn't know went loose.

“What do you think you’re doing walking around with untied laces, mister?” Jaemin asked, hands firm on his ankle.

It’s annoying because Jaemin speaks the way he did this morning but he realized he couldn’t walk out because Jaemin is keeping him in place.

“I’m sorry.” Jaemin giggled and finally gets up. “I thought you were mad and didn’t want to see me so I didn’t come to the studio.”

“Where were you?” Jeno asked. He would’ve hit Jaemin on the chest to tell him there’s nothing to be mad about. He was just a little pissed.

“I fell asleep in the shower.”

“Think I’d believe that?”

Jaemin laughed. “I helped cutie grandma fix her AC.” He showed his palms to Jeno, probably there were scratches, which was stupid because it was dark.

“You didn’t tell me.” Jeno didn’t mean to sulk. He said it abruptly. Thankfully, it was dark and his bestfriend couldn’t see how embarrassed he is right now after saying just that.

Jaemin laughed again. “My baby missed me that much. Come give me a hug.” His voice was playful and Jaemin literally jumped to his back and hugged him from behind.

Jeno was surprised but he ends up laughing because Jaemin is too funny whispering nonsense and his chin is perched up on his shoulder, tickling him. “Stop, stop.” He cries out, still laughing. The younger’s arms are strong around him. He allowed Jaemin to manhandle him outside the room where Renjun stood outside, disgust written all over his face.

“Done?” Renjun asked, hissing again.

“You on your period, pal?” Jeno joked to which Renjun abruptly ignored.

They waited until Renjun is sated on the taxi before they took their bus on the way home. Like always, Jaemin lets him to sit by the window. Bus rides are always his meditation after a long day. His thoughts moves smoothly with the wheels as he stares outside the window and the pouring rain. Jeno instantly felt sleepy because of the cold and he rested his head on Jaemin’s shoulder and the younger placed a palm on his knees, drawing soothing circles until he fall asleep. The most comfortable place in the world next to his bed. Trust Jaemin to never make any sudden movements when Jeno leans on him like this. Jeno drifts to sleep.

His nap was cut short to Jaemin’s gently taps on his leg. “We’re here.” says the younger. He didn’t even had the chance to yawn and Jaemin is carrying his bag and guiding him out of the bus.

“I didn’t have the heart to wake you up, you were sleeping soundly.” Jaemin tells him, apologetic.

“Jaemin.” Jeno coos when he sees the long scratch across the younger’s palm. With careful hands, he traces the wound, Jaemin’s hand is shaking a bit.

“It’s nothing.”

Jeno scowled at him and pulled Jaemin to the bathroom. He cautiously wash Jaemin’s hands with a medical soap, seeing the small scratches here and there, but there’s this one long cut that looks really deep and the skin around it is red. “Exactly what kind of fixing did you do to get wounds like that Jaemin-ah.” Jeno questions, deliberately damping a towel on Jaemin’s palm to dry the wound. “Tell me when it hurts.”

“Jeno-ya.” Jaemin said after a long pause. “You are cute when you——-“ cut short, Jaemin nudged his forehead on Jeno’s when the older pressed the skin around is wound. “Tha—that hurts!”

Jeno fights back, head pounding from how strong Jaemin is and hits the younger on the chest to stop him. He didn’t have the energy to play around and quickly covered Jaemin’s wound with a yellow band aid just to get it over with. When he pressed both his thumbs to plaster the band aid, Jaemin whines about again and jabs his forehead back on Jeno’s. This time, it didn’t hurt, but they’re on a very uncomfortable proximity, the tip of their noses almost bumping. A hint of playfulness made Jeno’s eyes curved when he pushed back, daring Jaemin. Stupid Na Jaemin only smiled and breaks their eye contact to look on his lips instead.

“Ah!!” Jeno snapped, leaning away from the snickering Jaemin. He regrets taunting him sometime and rushed out the bathroom to jump on his bed,

“You’re like a cat.” Jaemin comments as he passed by Jeno’s bed, hitting the older’s bottom with his palm.

The cheering of the large crowd in the stadium as they step foot on the stage makes Jeno’s heart pound. An abundance of emotion racing inside his heart when his eyes wander about the unfamiliar large venue that’s filled with thousands of people all eyes on them. A rush of electric excitement flows with the tension in his veins. The music have yet to start but he is deeply moved by the audiences that are sending them a loud applause. He felt a strong sense of accomplishment after all the months and months of practice.

Everything is a blur and Jeno begins to shiver when the camera director at the front signals the coordinator to start the music and they moved to their positions. It's not like it's his first time performing, but the crowd is much larger today, more than a thousand of students from different high schools present. Anxiety hits him hard, his mind running in circles and he can’t feel his foot when strong arms bumps on his back and warm fingers snakes to his arm and squeezed his hand. “Don’t be nervous. You’re the best out here. You can do this.” It happened all to quickly and as the music starts, Na Jaemin’s encouragements plays in his head like a mantra.

It’s almost scary as the cheer from the crowd becomes louder and louder as the music stops and Jeno is catching his breath, limbs feeling weak from all his sharp movements as he gave it his best. As if reading his mind, Jaemin lifts Jeno’s arm up so now he’s leaning on the younger’s shoulder to help him stand with his shaky knees. They’re both covered in sweat but nobody gave a damn when Ten and the others pulled them in for a group hug.

They took home the trophy that day, with Ten dedicating it to Jeno and thanking him for all the hard work. Jeno was going to hand it to Jisung, but the younger promised him that they will win again next year to take home another trophy and another years to come.

Parting ways, Jeno thanked their friends and their member for all the hard work and they congratulated each other. They didn’t bother a celebration and Ten suggested they do it some other day since it’s already late at night. It’s only them and Ten left at the station when the latter asked if they were hungry and treated them to samgyeopsal. They laughed when Ten made them promise not to tell the other kids.

Jeno still couldn’t feel his legs so he lifts one up on Jaemin’s lap for warmth while the younger busy his hands in grilling the meat and placing the most of it in his plate.

“Honestly, Who’s the older between you two?” Ten asked in adoration, smiling at Jeno. “Jaemin is taking care of you so well.”

“I take care of him too.” Jeno whines and he must have pouted at that because Jaemin playfully flicked his lips with his fingers.

“I mean you two are not...you know...dating, right?” Ten asked with expectant eyes.

Jeno almost choked in his drink. “What? That’s hilarious, hyung. Why would you even think that?”

“I’m sorry.” Ten laughed. “I’m just joking. Don’t think about it much.”

“Jeno say ahhh.” Jaemin lifts a chopsticks up Jeno’s mouth that’s filled with meat and tomatoes.

Jeno gladly takes it, gaping in victory as to how good is tastes. He comments about how nice Ten is, since Youngho and Jaehyun are really stingy and it's Ten's turns to laugh when Jeno made him promised not to tell them that.

They laughed over silly stories about their older friends; Taeyong, Hansol and Taeil who entered college that they haven’t seen for awhile. Doyoung, Jeno’s uncle, is with them too and the four lived together on a condominium with Ten. Next year, Ten and Mark will go to the same university, and the year after that will be his, Jaemin, Renjun, and Donghyuck’s turn too. The thought of going to a university is somewhat exciting but worrying at the same time. The pro is that he can be more freely and focus on his passion, but the con is that the amount of responsibility that awaits him. Thinking about the future makes Jeno’s head hurt. He enjoys being a kid.

When Jaemin excuses himself to the rest room, Jeno gets to asked Ten “Hyung, why would you think we are dating!?” He almost scowled. It was dead funny, but he just wants to know.

“Oh.” Ten seemed surprised that Jeno brought it up when he’s the one who started it. “I was just guessing.” Ten says coyly. “I’m sorry if I offended you, Jeno. “

“No, hyung. It’s just funny.” Jeno snorts a laugh and recalls Jaemin’s reaction to it, though he didn’t point it out earlier. “Jaemin’s ears turned red. He’s such a baby.”

Ten covered his mouth and laughed. “I’m sorry. I literally wasn’t thinking when I said that.”

Jeno laughed at how embarrassed Ten is. “No, no, it’s okay. I just want to clear things up that we are not going out and that’s never gonna happen.”

“If you say so.” Ten smiled at him.

“I’m sorry! Jaemin-ah!”

One of Jeno’s vile etiquette is that he takes green jokes way too far. It all started when Jaemin came out from the bathroom, wearing that ripped jeans of his that shows full of his knees, and another rip that’s exposing the upper part of his leg. Jaemin might’ve been a little too aware of his exposure too so he covered his lap with a cushion when he sat on the bed across Jeno who’s packing his backpack.

Yet Jeno decides to actually jump on Jaemin and take the cushion from him so he could tickle Jaemin’s exposed skin. It was funny at first, two two of them throwing nasty jokes at each other, until Jeno, well, he just thought it would be damn hilarious when he accidentally touched....more like intentionally touched Jaemin’s private area that had the younger let out an unexpected sound from the back of his throat. To make it worse, Jeno had to point out that, “Jaemin-ah, you moaned.”

“The fuck is wrong with you!” Jaemin actually snarled and cursed it but it only fuels to Jeno’s laughter. The younger falls face first on his bed, hiding his face.

Jeno’s gums is starting to hurt from how much he’s laughing at the notably embarrassed Jaemin. He’s even trying to pull him up so he could take a picture of whatever face Jaemin is making right now.

“That’s enough, Jeno!” Jaemin barked and groaned. It's not always that he gets to be on Jaemin's nerves with his teasing.

It’s still way too funny and Jeno swore he threw his head back too hard that it starts too hurt, tears starts to fall from his eyes too. He’s still laughing when the door bell rang and Donghyuck appears from the door. “What’s so funny?” He asked.

Jeno bits his lip, controlling his laughter as Renjun appears from the door behind Donghyuck. He wonders how much damage it will be for Jaemin if he actually tell their friends what just happened. He decided not to, when Jaemin finally get up to collect himself, fixing his white polo shirt thats hangs too low on his neck.

“What’s with the outfit?” Renjun would criticized them of course. While Jaemin is out there with his ripped jeans and lose polo shirt, Jeno is wearing a tank top that exposes his arm muscles. “You two sure that you’re coming with us to volunteer at the home for the aged?”

Jeno ignored Renjun’s chiding and side eyes Jaemin who looked withdrawn and Jeno couldn’t help but laugh again.

“Those are some delicious muscles, Jeno.” Donghyuck is now rubbing his palm on his arm. “Flex them for me.”

“Don’t touch him.” Jaemin reprimanded Donghyuck and eyes are on him. “He.... he’s dangerous. Ah! I swear to god...” he exhales one last time and runs to the bathroom.

Jeno laughed again. “I’m so sorry, Jaemin-ah.”

“Huh?” Donghyuck breathes out.

“Dangerous, huh?” Renjun snorts.

They wait for Jaemin outside. In Mark’s car, Renjun whines about what’s taking Jaemin too long. Jeno suggested that his comment earlier must’ve offended Jaemin and that he’s changing clothes. But when Jaemin appeared on the gate, he’s still in his outfit, looking handsome as hell.

“That’s my bestfriend!” Jeno says proudly.

Donghyuck mimicked him, cracking a funny face.

It was 2am and Jeno is still very much awake with his back perched on Jaemin’s who’s laying face down on the bed. Their whole room was humid since their AC broke and the younger almost cut his finger off, trying to fix it so Jeno decides to call it a night and some actual professionals can take of it tomorrow. It took Jaemin approximately half an hour to actually accept that before he finally gave up.

“Jeno, your sweat is all over me. Put a shirt on.” Jaemin moves about, touching the small of his back that is now soaked with Jeno’s sweat too.

Jeno didn’t say anything and just shakes his head in one of Jaemin’s sharp shoulder blades and the latter only groaned in annoyance. There’s no force in hell that could make Jeno wear a shirt in this sultry room. He’s been scrolling on Facebook for hours now, thrilled to check his timeline to see their friends post of Donghyuck’s funny edited pictures. Stupid Donghyuck just decided to participate in a school film about musical mermaids but he ends up to be a blob fish. Jeno edited one already and he made it his profile picture.

“Jaemin-ah. Gimme your phone.” Jeno demands and reached out for the phone on Jaemin’s pocket who only groaned in response. “Let’s change your dp to Donghyuck’s face, too.” He laughs to himself. A smile crept up to his face when he saw Jaemin’s lockscreen and wallpaper. It’s still the photo of him and Jaemin when they were twelve year olds. It was taken five years ago by Jeno’s mom when they went to Jaemin’s home in Jeonju for the holidays. They’re wearing the same denim top and the lock screen was of them smiling brightly at the camera with their tumbles bumping against each other, while his lock screen is the one where they’re smiling brightly at each other and their foreheads bumping. Back then, they get confused as twins or brothers. But now, people confused Jeno for Jaemin or the other way around. “Ah I was so cute back then.”

Jaemin snorts. “You still are.” He shifts so now Jeno’s head is perched on his stomach.

“Right.” Jeno says nonchalant. “Jaemin-ah, look what I found.” When he was scrolling through Jaemin’s account, ignoring the hundreds of notifications popping up from Jaemin’s phone, he saw someone looking ever so familiar on his suggested friends. It was Nakamura, their grade school friend. “Oh my god, Jaemin.” Jeno gasped when he actually scrolled to Hina’s profile and figured it’s really her. He excited shove the phone on Jaemin’s face. “It’s your crush!”

“Huh?” Jaemin coos and he nervously takes his phone from Jeno. “It’s Hina!”

Jaemin looks up at Jeno, probably trying to sink it what’s been going on. Jeno blinked at him.

“What are you waiting for!? Go send her a friend request already! And message her!” Jeno urges him. It’s been a long time since they’ve seen her. Last time was in their grade school graduation four years ago. Hina is the only girl Jeno remembered that Jaemin genuinely liked, despite all his coquetries. Jaemin never said it, but Jeno could read his actions so well how Jaemin gets all giddy when the three of them would hang out back in the day. Jaemin was probably too shy about it that he couldn’t talk about it.

Realising that, Jeno suddenly felt stupid for being too excited about it. He wouldn’t tease Jaemin, he decided, just in case the younger would feel embarrassed to actually pursue her now. You can do it Jaemin-ah, Jeno whispers in his head.

“I’ll be damned if I don’t.” Jaemin says in a hoarse voice.

Jeno smiled to himself and closed his eyes. Falling asleep on Jaemin’s hard rock stomach isn’t so bad after all. But it was a really short nap.

“Jaemin-ah”

Jaemin hummed in response.

“Next year we’ll be all busy with all the entrance exams. What do you want to take in college after we graduate?” Jeno asked curious. He realised they have yet to talk about that.

“You?” Jaemin returns the question.

“If I can’t be an idol then—-“

“I’ll be your fan.”

“Then maybe, a veterinarian. I love animals.” Jeno smiles at the thought of saving animals.

“Then I’d be a dog.”

Jeno glared at him. He wanted a serious answer.

“I’d be a veterinarian too.” Jaemin smiled at him.

“Come on. Be serious.” He demands. He at least wants to know what sort of career his bestfriend would want for himself in the future.

“I love animals too?”

“Yeah but. You’re smart. You love Math and mechanics. Wouldn’t engineering be better for you?” He inquires. Jaemin would fit in that profession.

“Who said I’d want to be an engineer?”

“Jaemin. You can’t just decide that you’d be a vet just because I want to be a vet. It’s not like we’re still deciding to buy hoodies and choose the same one. You have to choose wisely since we’ll be adults soon. We can’t be like this together forever, you know. “ Jeno lectures him.

“You’re right. We can’t be together.”

“Huh?”

“Go to sleep, Jeno.”

After their dance championship, Jeno is left with too much free time but as much as he’d like to drag Jaemin into finding a new hobby, biking would’ve been a good alternate for dance, the younger doesn’t seem to have free time. He still cooks for Jeno in the morning, but he’s either just always in his phone or leaving the house. So Jeno wasn’t surprised one friday night when Jaemin told him that he’ll be gone for a day or two. “Have fun!” Jeno waved him off.

Hina and Jaemin are probably going out already and Jeno is just too happy for them that he doesn’t know how he’s going to sleep that night. It’s the first time in three years since they moved to the dorm that they’ll be apart for a long time, a day or two is such a long time. Maybe he could ask Donghyuck to come over tomorrow so someone would cook breakfast for him.

He messaged Jisung and Chenle instead and asked two to come over. Jeno is wide aware how excited the kids are whenever they gather together and he didn’t have to wait long for the two arrive with boxes of chicken and pizza, courtesy of Chenle, of course. He had too much allowance he didn’t know where to spend on. “Woah!” Jeno cheered. He’s starving and he didn’t dare to eat the cold noodles from the fridge knowings it’s not going to cure his hunger. Jaemin already left before dinner so he didn’t get to cook.

“Where’s Jaemin hyung?” Chenle asked.

“He left awhile back.”

“So you were bored by yourself?” There’s a hint of teasing by the way Jisung said it.

Jeno checked on his phone to see if Jaemin had left him a message but there’s none. “You know, Jaemin’s gotten busy these days.”

“Eh? He’s dating?” Chenle asked.

Surprised, Jeno didn’t think Chenle would be too fast to jump into conclusions. The right one at that.

“Wait, who’s the girl?” Jisung asked him, full of curiousity written on his face.

“Girl? What do you mean it’s a girl?” It was Chenle’s turn to ask Jisung back. “Isn’t Jaemin hyung gay?”

“Huh?” Jeno looks lost for a moment. He wonders if Chenle is tripping.

“What do you mean, huh, Jeno hyung?” Chenle raised a brow at him, as if Jeno is the biggest lie he’s ever heard right now when it should be the other way arouns. “You don’t know?”

“What are you saying?” Jeno laughs, impossibly.

“Why are you like this!?” Jisung laughed, hitting Chenle on the shoulder.

“Whatever, let’s just eat. I’m hungry.” Chenle announced.

“Jeno hyung, you’re gonna let us sleep over, right?”

“Of course!” Jeno laughed.

It actually starts to bother Jeno how Jaemin’s been going on with Hina for two months now, but the younger has yet to tell him anything. In retrospect, Jaemin tells him all his little things but what could be a big part of Jaemin right now, he’s keeping it from Jeno. He starts to feel insecure. Didn’t Jaemin trust him enough? He admits he’d been playful with the words he tells Jaemin sometimes, but is that enough for Jaemin to stop trusting him?

This is why one morning when he watches Jaemin washing the plates as he sat on the table with his sandwich, he bored holes into Jaemin’s back with his stare. He doesn’t even bother if the younger would notice the daggers he’s sending him right now. There’s a fuss in his brain when he starts to feel that, when did the only person Jeno felt closest to suddenly looks like a stranger in front of him. It wasn’t desperation yet, so he didn’t bother to ask Jaemin if he had done anything wrong for the younger to be distant to him latley. Last night, he’d look back from the last time Jaemin was accessible for him, it was the night he showed him Hina’s Facebook account. Since then, they barely talk or hang out with each other. So what could have gone wrong? Jeno swallows the question.

Maybe Jaemin is just tired of him. Maybe.

“Jeno, I won’t be home til midnight. Don’t wait for me for dinner.”

“Where are you? The shoot is starting in thirty minutes.” Jeno sent Jaemin a text.

As a celebration for the campus sports and dance champions, the school granted them a photo and video shoot as a remembrance for their hard work and friendship. Everybody else are there and they all are in their costumes already. The first to shoot were the basketball team which includes Mark and Donghyuck who are dressed in their neon green uniforms. Renjun is out there too with his signature lab gown. The dance team didn’t have a costume distinction so Ten decided that they should look formal instead. Jeno’s in his white button ups, dark jeans and boots, and a gray suspenders. His hair was brushed down to his forehead and he wears dark smokey eyeliners. If Jaemin arrived any minute now, he’ll wear the same costume as Jeno.

Five minutes before the photoshoot, Jeno wouldn’t be surprised anymore if Jaemin will send him a text that he won’t make it and that he had errands to run. Last week, Jaemin was a no show to the CS:GO competition they signed up to so their team lacked one player which means they automatically lose.

They all stand in line and Jeno is positioned beside Ten as the co-leader of the dance team. “I thought we could wait for Jaemin and let the baseball team shoot first.” He blurts out what’s in his mind.

“Jaemin already signed out from the dance team. Didn’t you know?” Ten says softly, probably a little confused.

“Wh—Oh. Of course.” Jeno fumbles over his words and forced a laugh. He looks to the front where the cameras are and felt Ten’s comforting hand on his back. Then he painstakingly sports a strong expression as the cameras began to roll.

It’s not easy to lie to the people around you. Jeno, especially, is a bad liar. So he opts for silence whenever one of their friends would ask if there’s anything wrong between him and Jaemin. Jeno never stopped to hang around with them but he might just consider it if the commotion goes on. It’s a question they should be asking Jaemin instead.

Their shared dorm that once felt like home is now covered in unsettling silence. Whenever they see each other, they’d be exchanging short greetings that sounded way too forced. Well, that was last week, and it’s been five days the last time Jeno had seen Jaemin. The finals are coming and they can slack all they want since the teachers are not marking attendances anymore.

“Oh, fuck!” Jeno felt utterly stupid when he was most likely walking absentmindedly by the football field. He failed to notice the protruding steel from the fence that caught the lower part of his left knee. Tearing off a bit of his uniform slacks and cuts to his skin. Blood begins to drip and Jeno starts to feel numb when droplets of blood made it to the grass.

He begins to feel dizzy from the lost of blood and his eyes are turning black when he hears someone calls for his name.

“Lee Jeno!”

When Jeno looks, it was Yeeun. The girl sitting beside him in all his classes.

“Jeno, are you okay? What happened to you?”

Jeno allowed Yeeun to walk him to the clinic. The nurses were quick into cleaning his wounds and wrapping a huge bandage out of it. He thanked them, and Yeeun who’s been sitting beside the hospital bed the whole time, worried written all over her face.

“The cut wasn’t too deep to be dangerous but you will have a hard time walking. Are you sure you don’t want to call your guardian?” The doctor asked him.

“If it’s not dangerous then I’ll be alright. I’ll make sure to come here when I’m in need of help in cleaning it. You don’t need to call them.” Jeno gave the doctor a reassuring smile.

“I see. I will advise for some pain relievers too. You can rest here for awhile.”

“Miss Pres, thanks for bringing me here. I’ll be alright, you can go back to class.”

Yeeun only frowned at that, worried written all over his face. “I can’t leave you alone here. Where is Jaemin?”

“Ah. He’s out somewhere far. It’s okay, you can go.”

“Hang on, I’ll look for Donghyuck instead.” Yeeun promised and bowed her way out of the clinic.

Jeno would’ve tell her that there’s no need to call for Donghyuck and that he’ll be fine by himself, but how could he say no to Yeeun’s pretty face.

As he expects, Donghyuck will be dramatic when he arrived to the clinic. He kept shouting “Lee Jeno, don’t die on me!” from when he entered the room. He jumps to the bed, and heavily placed the back of his palm on Johnny’s forehead it almost made a sound. “Oh my god, are you sick? Oh my god!”

“Donghyuck, you’re being too loud.” Jeno groaned. He actually waited for Donghyuck in the clinic to pick him up for five hours. “What took you so long?”

“I’m sorry, I was outside doing nothing until I realized I actually care about you.” Hyuck theatrically says and he hugged Jeno so tight.

Jeno only snorts and check on his phone. He actually messaged Jaemin to pick him up from the clinic and take him back to the dorm, but he didn’t get a reply.

It was 8pm that night and Jeno was very much alone in their dorm when the door bell rang. “Who’s there?” He hesitantly asked. If it was one of his friends, they’ll just barge in.

“Lee Jeno, it’s me.”

It was Yeeun’s voice that surprised Jeno a little. “Please come in, Miss Pres.” Jeno welcomes him, sitting on his bed upright.

“I brought you food.” Yeeun carefully walks to him and placed a bag of an order in his desk. Her eyes wandering around the place. “Hyuck told me where you live.”

“Oh, that’s really nice of you, Yeeun-ah. Thank you so much.” Jeno was touched. Yeeun is just usually quiet or sometimes strict in their classes but it’s nice to know to she cares about her class.

“I’m only passing by. I’ll go ahead now. You don’t have to come to class tomorrow, alright?”

“Uh.” Jeno nods. “Yes yes, thank you so much Miss Pres. Take care on your way home.”

Jeno watches her leave with a smile in his face.

“Jeno.”

The voice sounded way too familiar and he saw Yeeun bowed at the person on the door frame. It was Jaemin, with his hair swept up by the wind. He quickly dashed to where Jeno is, crouching in front of him.

“Jeno, what happened, a—are you okay?” Jaemin is gazing up at him with his weary eyes as if he’s on the verge of crying. It was guilt that’s threatening to fall from his eyes.

Jaemin, what happened to us? Jeno looked away because couldn’t open his mouth to say anything. This time, he’s certain he is just as lost as Jaemin is. Sadness skates over his skin, as to how alone Jaemin made him feel all this time.

“Jeno, let’s take you to the hospital. Come on—-“

“Why are you doing this?” Jeno finally asked, but he didn’t dare to look through the sadness in Jaemin’s eyes. He couldn’t bare the sight of Jaemin’s face that’s replicates that of a crumbling world. He could’ve handled this better if Jaemin was showing him a bright smile instead. “Why are you suddenly acting like you care?”

“Jeno, I...” Jaemin stops.

Each seconds felt like hours as he waits for Jaemin’s words but nothing came out. As if Jeno really doesn’t deserve any explanation from his bestfriend who suddenly decided to walk out of his life. “Jaemina....” Jeno starts, the younger’s name rolls almost like a lie in his tongue. “You weren’t at the competition. And then I found out from someone else that you signed out of the dance team. You weren’t there when we were making memories. You know how much it means to me, Jaemin. We practiced every single day. You were there when I nervous and almost backed off but I didn’t because you cheered me up. Where have you gone, Jaemin? Is it all just nothing to you? Am I nothing to you?”

The facade was broken and Jeno’s tears began to fall. He was sad for all the good times he thought they were still to have, but this very moment reminds him that it’s never going to happen anymore.

“Jeno... I’m sorry.”

“No, I-I’m sorry. I called you out of impulse. When really this— this doesn’t concern you anymore. This shouldn’t concern you anymore. It has nothing to do with you.” Jeno blurts about. His own voice deafening.

It startled Jeno, how easily Jaemin accepted it. He nodded, though with empty eyes and his bottom lip between his teeth, he stood up and darts out of the dorm without another word to offer Jeno.

Seven years of friendship might’ve been long enough. To watch it end was a such a pain in the ass but Jeno was thankful for all the memories and laughter they shared together. With Jaemin, he learned to grow. It was never easy, but when the world leaves you no choice, you just have to accept it. He is thankful that Jaemin was once a part of his life.

It’s not only in the movies, Jeno supposed. People really do grow apart, don’t they? Even the bestest of friends. Like the toy you were once attached to when you were a kid.

In time, they’re friends stop pressing him about it. Guess they have to accept it the same way Jeno did. He was happy to hear from Renjun too that Jaemin will be taking special exams the week before the school year ends. He already missed a lot of classes and Jeno is certain Renjun is doing a good job at tutoring him so he’ll be fine. Renjun also told him that Jaemin is staying over his dorm now and will most likely move to a condominium next month.

“You okay?” Donghyuck asked one day when he barged in on Jeno’s dorm, slumping on the bed beside him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Jeno retorts with a mouthful of pringles in his mouth, he shoved the pringles on Donghyuck’s chest. “Want some?”

Donghyuck ignored his offer and stares at him a little longer than comfortable. “I don’t know if I should bring this up now but...you do realize you broke Jaemin’s heart, don’t you?”

Jeno shoots him a look and sat up. Wasn’t it Jaemin who decided to break their friendship? Wasn’t it Jaemin who decided to move out of Jeno’s life? “Excuse me?!” He says in defense.

“Yeah, I guess you really don’t know, huh? Or that you’re pretending you don’t.” Donghyuck raised a brow, his voice sounded way too challenging.

“Know what!?” Jeno almost shouts. Donghyuck’s tone pissed him off enough, what more is he saying.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault.” Donghyuck offered him a small smile.

The more he hears what Donghyuck is saying, the more his brain couldn’t process what message he was trying to relay to Jeno. “What!?”

“Listen here, you pig head. Jaemin is in love with you.”


	2. Na jaemin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is Jaemin’s side of the story :£

What the fuck are you so annoying about!?” Renjun hissed at him. They were assigned to make the food at the volunteers and Jaemin does the cooking with the help of Renjun who could barely fry an egg so Jaemin assigned him to the cleaning instead, much to Renjun’s dismay. “Are you drunk?”

“No—I’m not drunk at all.” Jaemin wished he isn’t flushing right now, washing the radish in the sink like—stop.

“Then why the heck do you keep on breaking plates Na Jaemin there’s barely anything left Jesus Christ.” Renjun crouched down on the floor and picks up the broken glasses with a gloved hand. It’s only natural for him to exaggerate on the second plate he had to clean up and they’ve only been five minutes in the kitchen.

“I’m sorry. I’ll focus.” Jaemin muttered a promise trying to keep his mind from wavering elsewhere. Anywhere but Jeno’s hands...

“What the heck are you thinking?” Renjun snaps in dismay, as if reading his mind.

Jaemin facepalmed and he isn’t exactly ready to admit what just happened but that leaves him no choice when it’s Renjun he’s talking to. “Jeno thought it was a great idea when he—-he touched me down there and fuck Renjun, I actually moaned goddamn it.”

“Boy.” Renjun puts his hands up on defense. “I don’t know what shit you’re doing when it’s just to two of you alone but damn, that’s something!”

“I moaned, dude. What the fuck and he kept laughing about it.” Jaemin frustratingly pinched the bridge of his nose. If he weren’t too careful earlier, he could’ve done worse. As if moaning to Jeno’s touch wasn’t bad enough. Though it was human nature, he still couldn’t stand the fact that he did just that.

“Ah, is this why Donghyuck kept ranting about how they had to wait for you for thirty minutes in the car? You’re casually telling me you jacked off, then.” Renjun blurts, picking up the last piece of the glass that was there ever so carefully as if it’s one of his science experiments, or Jaemin’s ego.

It certainly is an insult but Jaemin couldn’t careless and goes on with his work. He just wished Jeno wouldn’t peak into the kitchen from where he’s dancing with Donghyuck on the foyer with the grandmothers and grandfathers they bond with at the volunteer. He swore his face is red right now and Renjun snickering about it isn’t helping at all.

Once he finished the food and called for Jisung and Chenle to help Renjun to serve them, it actually took him minutes for his nasty emotions to settle and once he’s ready to face Jeno, the cause of it all, his courage died down upon seeing him all smiley while playing with a grandmother who’s laughing in return. Jeno’s wearing a plain yellow shirt, making him stood out from anyone in the room, or that was just his smile that makes him stand out. Clinically, it wasn’t about his shirt or his smile or whatever Jeno is doing, he just shines the brightest in Jaemin’s eyes even if he’s just standing there and doing nothing.

He must’ve stared too much because Mark slightly elbowed him on the chest, “Quit it.” The older whispered and hands a tray to Jaemin so he could help on giving out the snacks.

It wasn’t easy to get through that day when he’s wide aware of Mark and Renjun’s eyes on him while, and how his heart would jump out of his chest whenever Jeno is within close proximity which happens all the time.

“Idiot Lee Jeno just decided he could walk in on me in the shower. He insisted we shower together since we’re running late.” Jaemin talks fast as he jumps on Renjun’s bed face first. As if he wasn’t ranting to the same guy about Jeno touching him down there just three days ago.

“I see you’re having the time of you life that’s why you weren’t answering my calls.” Renjun says, nonchalant. He goes back to pouring another tiny box of milk in his cereal. “So, liked what you see?”

“Liked what?” Jaemin snarled at him.

“I mean he’s...you know.” Renjun rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t look, of course. Why are you even asking me that?” Jaemin hisses, punching the pillow next to him.

“Come on, it’s not everyday that you get to see the person you’re lusting over naked.” Renjun says theatrically, making a gesture of his hands of a left and right parentheses.

“I’m not lusting over him, Renjun.” Jaemin says with earnest conviction at Renjun’s ridiculousness.

“Did you think I was born yesterday, Jaemin?” Renjun bites back. He turned to face Jaemin, angry like he always is.

Jaemin ignored him and pressed his face on the pillow again. “I need to find something interesting. This is getting dangerous.”

“I knew it. Try helping me in the lab, then.” Renjun offers. “You can clean my equipments. That’ll be really helpful, you see.”

“Not a chance.” Jaemin deadpans.

“Basketball?” Renjun offers another suggestion.

“Nah, Jeno will be angry if I play without him.” Jaemin says. They play with Mark and Donghyuck regularly on the weekends.

“Football with Jisung and Chenle?” Another suggestion.

“Jeno will kill me if we play without him.” Jaemin counters. He plays with the younger on Fridays after class.

“How about biking? Let’s go biking.” Renjun sounded excited and this.

Jaemin considers it for a few seconds but it was just days ago when Jeno proposed they should get bicycle equipments and go biking. “If Jeno finds out—-“

“See? Something else interesting that doesn’t include Jeno doesn’t exist in your vocabulary. He’s literally your entire world, dude. Why are you even trying?” Renjun exclaims, flying out from his chair to the kitchen.

Jaemin anxiously watches Renjun’s back because what he said wasn’t an utter lie. Jeno and him are attached to the hip, and when he think about it, there’s not a single thing he enjoys that doesn’t include Jeno. How is anything that doesn’t include Jeno going to make him happy? What a freak joke.

“I’m going home.” Jaemin laments. He left Jeno at the school with Donghyuck and told him he had to meet his cousin somewhere.

“Too soon?” Renjun is almost pouting but Jaemin wouldn’t point that out. He must’ve expect they’d do something fun like grab some ramen somewhere like they always do, it’s those times where Jaemin could freely talk about his emotions to Renjun.

“Jeno said I—-“ he was cut.

“What a fool.”

Jaemin halts on his track and stood by the door frame, he shot Renjun a look as if he realize something. “Hey Renjun, what if he’s already getting the idea that I like him?”

“Tell me about it.”

“I mean like, yesterday, we saw a cat on the subways and he’s all over the cat saying it’s cute and pretty but my shitty mouth just said “You’re prettier.” and he literally paused for 15 seconds, I counted I swear, and he ignored my comment.” Jaemin recalls and there must be a God somewhere because he didn’t melt in Jeno’s gaze and he was able to control himself to just lean in and kiss Jeno...... To kiss Jeno, Jaemin’s heart panicked. “Wow.”

Renjun is laughing to hard right now he starts to look hilariously ugly. “Na Jaemin, you’ve gotten good at embarrassing yourself. Congrats.”

Jaemin only shots him a confused look. At least Renjun hadn’t any idea that he’s thinking of kissing Jeno right now.

Renjun must’ve put so much strength into trying to compose himself because he still looks ugly. “But doesn’t he usually get mad when you talk to him that way?”

“Couldn’t help it.” Jaemin admits, causing another rage of laughter from Renjun. He doesn’t have the energy to explain to Renjun how wonderful Jeno is for him to actually understand.

“Love indeed makes people stupid.” Renjun shakes his head in dismay.

Throughout the years of friendship and seeing each other everyday, the fondness he had for Jeno doesn’t fade one bit, it was after all getting stronger. What he used to believe was an utter attachment to his bestfriend, turns out to be an intractable attraction that’s gotten harder to ignore and now Jaemin had to live with it. It wasn’t as easy and it was from the beginning where he managed to treat Jeno the same while he look at him differently, but getting older turns his infatuation into intensities too out of hand. Each ticking of clock reflects of his heart beat whenever Jeno is around.

Whatever, Jeno must’ve gotten used to Jaemin staring at him in his sleep anyway so he stills when Jeno shifts in his sleep and slowly opens his eyes. He can hide his feelings in many other ways, but not his chance to see how beautiful Jeno looks in the mornings. “Good morning, sunshine.” Jaemin says his usual greeting that would only make Jeno snort. He smiles to himself at how cute Jeno is when he’s annoyed.

“You’re annoying.” Jeno groaned, scratching his eyes.

“You love me anyway.” Jaemin dares to say. Afraid that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself once Jeno—-

“I love you this much!”

A pained groan escaped Jaemin’s lips when Jeno pulled him in his biceps and his nose hits on Jeno’s firm chest. He couldn’t breathe and Jeno is using his chin to tickle the top of his head. It felt like electric, how their skin are attached to one another and it burns to his bones. The sudden rage of discomfort for being a liar shoots in his head, breaking the barriers of his position as being Jeno’s bestfriend, and infiltrates his fervor as someone who loves Jeno. It felt so wrong and it had to end, despite the alluring sound of Jeno’s laughter in the background, if only Jeno’s biceps weren’t too strong. But Jaemin could back it up, knowing he was stronger, and he willed himself to pull away even if it meant a resentment.

But Jeno, stupid Jeno, fucking stupid Lee Jeno and his persistence reaches up once again to snake his arms around Jaemin’s nape, with his eyes crinkled into think slits as he laughs.

Jaemin stared down at him. It’s always been a pleasure to be the receiving end of Jeno’s tantalising eyes, with his arched brows and sweeping eyelashes. It’s always been mesmerising and Jaemin reckoned it was love at first sight.

“What?” Jeno blurts when his laughter died down. Warm fingers playing with the hair on Jaemin’s nape.

You’re beautiful, Jaemin wants to say when Jeno stared back at him. For Jaemin, this time, it wasn’t a game when his eyes very consciously falls on Jeno’s red lips, like a calamity threatening to ruin all that’s left of Jaemin’s sanity. His hands that’s trapping Jeno’s form on the bed curls on the shits for what damn temptation it is he’s holding. This had happened before, when Jeno was eating a chip and wouldn’t give Jaemin so he decides to just lean in and catches the end of the chip between Jeno’s mouth, but it didn’t feel this much. Jaemin wonders what would happen if he just leaned in and kiss Jeno right now.

That’s not gonna work. That’s not what Jeno wanted. But Jaemin had mastered the art of killing the awkwardness between them, since he’s long known of Jeno’s playful nature on how to break Jaemin’s walls. They might have been too close and too touchy for two teenager boys that are just best friends, but Jaemin isn’t complaining. It was safer to land his kiss on Jeno’s cheek instead, and the older was quick into pushing him away.

“Nana!” Jeno screamed.

Jaemin decided to laugh because it was safer that way.

Renjun is utterly disappointed.

Jaemin hated the way he reacted abruptly and he knows Renjun is judging him right now, entirely disappointed, obviously.

They were talking outside their school deciding where to eat or hang around when a fence, guiding one of the tall trees, fell, and he was quick on grabbing Jeno by the waist to pull him away. His shoulder slammed on Chenle, the younger almost fall to the ground and could’ve hit his head badly in one of the vases if Jisung wasn’t quick to his rescue and catches Chenle in his backpack.

“What the fuck, Jaemin!” Renjun screamed. Not because he saved Jeno and not Chenle, but because his reflex almost caused the younger to an accident that could’ve been far worse than the two of them getting arm bruises because of a fallen fence. It was only logical for Renjun to scream at him.

“Ch—Chenle, are you alright?” Jaemin stammered upon the realisation of what could have happened. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine, hyung.” Chenle manages to answer despite the look of nervous on his face. “Is Jeno hyung okay?”

Jaemin could feel the thumping of Jeno’s heart with his arm wrapped around the older’s chest.

They didn’t went on whatever was planned that day. The bus trip was complete silence, that Jaemin only broke once when he asked Jeno if he were hungry and the older said he wasn’t. Jeno must’ve been affected by the tension Jaemin had with Renjun too.

He was scrolling through his phone back reading the messages of Chenle and Jisung in their group chat about the new mobile game to be launched when he received a private message from Donghyuck. “Don’t know if you’d take this seriously or not but I’m really disappointed in you.”

Jaemin knew he deserved it when Renjun scolded him, and he deserved the sudden expression of disappointment from their very unserious friend, Donghyuck. Though he already apologized to Chenle dozens of times, none of it could make up to what just happened. Jisung is probably disappointed in him too, but he’s too afraid to talk.

“I’m accepting it and I promise to be better next time. I’m sorry, Donghyuckie! I will protect all of you, I promise! ^>^” Jaemin types, hoping it can make up to the damage.

“Sighssssss fine. Go buy our baby Chenle some ramen or something.” Donghyuck types back.

“Will do! <3 “Jaemin replied, knowing he had to comply to it. Too engrossed in his phone and thinking about how he should make up with Renjun and Jisung when a lifeless Jeno falls in his bed, face first and his face almost bumped on Jaemin’s shoulder.

“Hey, that was dangerous.” Jaemin scolds. He shifts and sat up, taking off his uniform coat.

“Jaemin-a.” Jeno called.

“Hmm?”

“You saved me.” Jeno looked up at him, eyes unreadable and Jaemin is lost in them. Jaemin smiles, because Jeno doesn’t know it when he’s acting cute much to Jaemin’s enjoyment and he really didn’t have to know because then he’ll stop. “What would I do without you?”

The smile on Jaemin’s face fades upon the weight of those words. He couldn’t handle it when Jeno unconsciously gets his hopes up knowing it wouldn’t lead to anything. All these foundations they build with one another could completely crumble with those three words Jaemin had always been afraid to say. All of these causing a pain in Jaemin’s heart, while Jeno is oblivious to it all. “You’ll be fine without me, Jeno.”

Jeno darts him a look that tells much of how taken aback he is at Jaemin’s words. Probably offended, even.

Jaemin breaks his train of thoughts by saying, “I feel so sorry for Chenle. If something happened to him, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.” What more if anything were to happen to you, Lee Jeno. He doesn’t add.

“He was as scared as me.” Jeno recalls. “I couldn’t even talk earlier.”

“You’re fine now, don’t worry your head too much.” Jaemin gaves him a reassuring smile and pats him on the head. He wouldn’t say it, but Jeno reminds him of a puppy. Jeno didn’t answer and it turns out, he already fell asleep.

Renjun’s disappointment didn’t end there. It hasn’t been a week passed since the falling fence incident with Chenle and Jaemin finds himself trapped in another one of Renjun’s scrutinizing gaze. They were seated by the bleachers in the school court with his back against Jeno as the older chitchats with Renjun and Donghyuck. Their art class teacher couldn’t make it today and they had lunch already and went there to past time.

Jaemin is quiet, like he usually is, unless someone tries to engage him into the conversation. The other three are quarrelling over who’s the hottest chic in senior year, if it was Yeonwoo or Nancy. Donghyuck think it’s Nancy, Renjun thinks it’s Yeonwoo, Jeno thinks the two looks like each other. Jaemin has no opinion over stuffs as trivial and he still ponders over how Jeno must’ve worked hard into finding Hina on Facebook. He checks her profile, not to seem creepy, but only to find out her whereabouts. They were closed friends after all.

Jaemin left her a greeting message last night to start the chat and she hasn’t replied yet. He finds out that Hina goes to an all girls school in Busan and is a member of a gymnastics team. She looks so feminine than she used to be and Jaemin couldn’t wait to give her a damn about it once she replied.

Not that he’s too occupied since Jaemin is totally aware of his surroundings. Jeno’s back kept hitting is, him and Donghyuck kept being loud over some silly green joke. Jaemin looks up from the glass wall ahead of him where he could see their reflection. Donghyuck has Jeno on the neck, pulling him in close for a kiss on his temple while Jeno kept on laughing like it’s his last day on Earth.

Nobody asked, but Jaemin’s lack of illogical thinking nowadays, perhaps his own nanoscopic capacity to decide, he pulled Jeno to his side and backed Donghyuck away by pushing the other on the chest. It was sudden and Jeno must’ve been surprised too when his laughter abruptly stopped and a dying noise escaped his mouth because Jaemin is clutching on him hard. It surprised Jaemin too when he loosens his hand on Jeno and he didn’t have to look to his left to know that Renjun is throwing daggers at him right now.

It used to be ordinary, or at least Jaemin thinks it is, when he wrapped his arms around Jeno’s waist or placed an arm around his shoulder or his palm in his inner thighs whenever Jeno is too occupied in talking to someone else that isn’t Jaemin. Or when he would lean his head on Jeno’s shoulder whenever he’s too engrossed in something that doesn’t include Jaemin. Jeno would touch him the same like it was something normal, it was a mere catch of attention, to let Jeno knows that he’s there, that turned into absurd jealousy. Jaemin remembered the first time his skin starts to itch for a rotten reason. It was in their Math class when Yeeun, their class president who sits beside Jeno, gave Jeno a baked brownies she said she baked herself and were left overs from last night. Jeno looked so gratified, smiling at her, and he even made fun of Jaemin thinking his stare meant he’s jealous of the brownies, when it was Yeeun that he’s so jealous of. The second one was when they fell asleep lying on their backs at the grass of the football field and fell asleep on Jeno’s stomach. It would have been an endearing sight, until a pang of jealousy scream at Jaemin’s head that no matter how much he wants to stop his hands, he still end up patting Chenle on the shoulders to wake the younger up only to tell him about the nonexistent bug on his collar.

With the time, jealousy didn’t become a rare feeling for Jaemin anymore. He’d often caught himself wanting to be near Jeno whenever the other is out of reach, may it be literally that Jeno’s arm length away or maybe because he knows deep down his ribcage that he can’t have Jeno no matter what.

Donghyuck mouth is hanging agape and it took him seconds to process things through before he gets up from his seat and screams a, “Jaemin, you possessive fuck!” Before he aggressively jumps and Jaemin makes a run for it.

Should he be relieved that Donghyuck took it as a some naive play between them, or should he be terrified because he knows he couldn’t get away from Donghyuck’s terror as he runs faster and faster. Knowing Donghyuck, he wouldn’t stop until Jaemin is caught and goes through something worse. Donghyuck might kick him on the balls or claw on his face, he’ll never know.

The next day, Jaemin shyly walks in the laboratory where Renjun is. He feels so small under Renjun’s gaze who’s at least a foot shorter than him, maybe. Yesterday, Donghyuck didn’t stop until he catches Jaemin’s ears and pinched it so hard he thought it was going to get ripped. Pretending to be cool as he prepares himself from Renjun’s scolding as he delivers Renjun’s orders from the school botique. Next time, he’ll ask Mr. Seo to ask someone else to deliver Renjun’s odds and ends on a daily basis. “Ah, thought you’re too embarrassed to show yourself.” And Jaemin froze in his spot. “So you gon tell me it was reflex again, huh?”

Jaemin doesn’t know what to say as he puts the small box on the counter. How is he going to explain himself if his body is acting with his heart and not his brain. So he told Renjun it was reflex, his reflex that almost caused Chenle an unthinkable accident, his reflect that made him violent over his friend Donghyuck.

“I was jealous.” He admits like it was new news.

Renjun nods that had Jaemin thinking if it was a reasonable excuse for his action, or that he simply understood because he’s that smart. “When did you become this irrelevant, Na Jaemin?”

Jaemin simply accepts all Renjun’s insult he knows he needed to hear. Maybe his affronts could wake him up somehow. Maybe one of these days, Renjun’s words could make him realize that he shouldn’t be too in love with Jeno. Also, it’s only Renjun who he could open up to and the older’s compassion to him doesn’t fade despite all his expression of disappointments to whatever decision Jaemin makes. Deep inside, he wants Renjun to disapprove of him more which can possibly impair his devotions to Lee Jeno. It had to be broken, it had to stop.

“Can I stay over tonight?” Jaemin asked with mouthful of ramen and coriander in his mouth. Often times when he feels too much, too suffocated, he’d come to Renjun. Or how he gladly accepted Mr. Seo, their science professor’s, so called voluntary student tasks of sending lab equipments to Renjun, his favorite student, from one building to another. On emergency call of his raging heart, Jaemin would lie to Jeno about having to meet up with his cousin who studies in downtown, when he’d actually come to Renjun’s apartment to burst his heart out. Imagine how difficult it’d be if Renjun wasn’t there to keep up with his bullshits regarding his raging feelings for Jeno. He’d probably be crazy by now.

It started two years ago months before they graduate from junior high school. Nothing really important particularly happened, it’s just that on their moving up, Renjun suddenly came behind him and whispered, “Let’s see how long you can last without Jeno knowing you’re in love with him.” Jaemin thought it was a challenge, but it was rather Renjun’s way of letting him that he’s there if Jaemin needs to talk. It’s a matter he could never open up to anyone, but Renjun just randomly throws himself into the picture and Jaemin couldn’t be more thankful. Sometimes, he’d often mistake Jeno’s “Then go with Renjun and not me!” for jealousy, but that’s only a wishful thinking. This secret remained to him and Renjun and only. But then there’s Mark who might’ve the slightest bit idea but Jaemin never talked to him about anything regarding that. Then there’s Ten, who once confused the two of them to be dating. Jaemin honestly liked how it sounded, but Jeno’s reaction to it shattered his heart to million pieces that it almost disappeared.

Yet he couldn’t blame Jeno for the million times and million reasons he broke Jaemin’s heart without him knowing.

“Jeno’s gonna look for you.” Renjun tells him, sipping the soup of his ramen.

“He probably think I’m out with Hina. He’s even happy about it.” Jaemin saw the glint in Jeno’s eyes when he said he won’t be coming home tonight. It was rather a test, on how Jeno would react and how worried would he be, but he flashes Jaemin a smile and nods like he received a good news.

“Stupid dude doesn’t know you’re out here with me crying over your feelings for him.” Renjun shakes his head.

“I don’t know if he’s really stupid or he’s just pretending to be.” Jaemin clawed at his face, wearily resting his back on the chair. “Renjun, am I ugly?”

“Dude, not everyone would randomly think their bestfriend is in love with them. He’s just being a bigger person and is proud of you.” Renjun snorts as if he’s talking to a child. “Now I’m not gonna answer your question cos I don’t want to hurt you even more. By the way, have you ever asked Jeno about his orientation? Whether he is attracted to girls or boys or whatever other than cats.”

“I’m not attracted to boys. I’m only attracted to Jeno. I’m not gay.” Jaemin defends. He wonder who is Jeno attracted too. He supposed the topic is a little too sensitive for him that’s why he never asked Jeno, if ever his answer wouldn’t be Jaemin. Of course he isn’t attracted to Jaemin for sure but imagine how painful it’d be if he actually hear it from Jeno’s mouth.

“I’m not asking you, I’m asking about Jeno. And just know that you’re not making any sense right now like....always.” Renjun raised his hands in defeat. He threw Jaemin his house keys on the table. “Whatever. Got some plans tonight. Take care of my house or something.”

The butterflies in Jaemin’s stomach goes frantic as he thinks of what it’s like to be someone that Jeno likes.”Where’d you go?” He asked instead.

“A conference.”

“At 10pm?”

“Yeah. I might be getting a job to a tutor class. Don’t break anything in my house or I’ll tell Jeno. Adios.”

“Jaemin-ah.”

Jaemin looks up from his book and finds Jeno looking at him, expression unreadable. He doesn’t dwell on it anymore, the comprehension towards one another that they lost deep down the seas of Jaemin’s disguised emotions. When Jaemin used to say that they understand each other just by the look on their eyes now turned out to be one of the biggest lies. But Jeno isn’t stupid, he knows something is wrong and Jaemin knows he wouldn’t put his hands on it unless Jaemin tells him anything.

“What’s bothering you? You’ve been on the same page for an hour now.” Jeno leans in closer form across the table. His expression shows more worried that unreadable now. Or probably even embarrassed that he just intervened. It might have gotten to Jeno to, the growing distance between them Jaemin sets himself.

“Nothing is wrong.” Jaemin looks up at him with a smile and Jeno smiled back at him like he understood it. When it’s actually a mutual understanding that both of them are lying to each other.

Jeno opens his mouth to say something that Jaemin avoids immediately by excusing himself to the bathroom. Is it even this possible to feel like a stranger with someone he’d only known for all his life? Only in Jaemin’s vocabulary.

It’s scary how Jeno’s presence alone has chill run down on Jaemin’s spine, when his smile used to take his breath away. He tried to avoid him the whole week, terrified of the words he knew hanging at the tip of Jeno’s tongue all this time. His daydream eyes starts to threat Jaemin like a nightmare. Before Jeno could even say something, Jaemin will start to talk about unimportant things to deliberately alter Jeno’s attention to anything else, though he always fails, such little distraction could work and Jaemin will be stumbling out the door of their apartment. That’s when one morning when the silence between them becomes deafening while Jaemin’s heart thumps right out of his ribcage, as though he was cornered even without Jeno doing anything.

“Jeno, I won’t be home til midnight. Don’t wait for me for dinner.”

Jaemin may look like someone who can handle himself well, but he couldn’t.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s me.” Jaemin’s brief response sounded like a whisper.

It took about five or more minutes before the door reluctantly opened and Jaemin swore he was to take a step to leave about now. Mark barely spared him a glance as he peeks out of the door to look out on the hallway. “I’m alone.” Jaemin confirms.

“Why are you here?” Mark asked with a raised brow.

Jaemin didn’t answer and stares back at Mark hoping he will allow him inside.

“Come in.” Mark says reluctantly but lets him in anyway.

Mark’s apartment is on the second floor of an old brick building on the far south from their campus. It had always been cozy, walls covered with colourful stickers or pinned paper doodles, there’s a long line of varieties of guitar lined up on one side of his walls, and books piled up on a desk. The older motions for Jaemin to sit on one of his comic cushion beside the bed.

“Shouldn’t you come to Renjun instead? Why are you here?” Mark was hissing already and Jaemin hasn’t start yet. He knows what Jaemin is up to.

“Renjun’s got his tutoring job. You’re all I have now.” Jaemin absurdly says.

“Say what, Jaemin?” Mark barks impossibly. “I honestly thought I’d be the last person you’d run to.”

“Can I tell you a secret.” Jaemin deliberately offers that had Mark thrown him an incredulous look.

“It’s obvious there’s alcohol in your system, Jaemin. And I don’t care what you’re up to.” Marks says. His words are dead weight to Jaemin, and not because he was drunk but because he knows Mark doesn’t mean it at all.

“I’m not drunk. And listen, you should care about this. I’m in love with Lee Jeno.” Jaemin admits with all the courage he could gather in his simple head.

“Figured it out long time ago. I just don’t know why you’re telling me that, now.” Mark snorts.

“He doesn’t feel the same way.” Jaemin laments.

“As much as I’d be thankful to hear that, I really pity you now.”

Jaemin can’t even look Mark in the eye anymore. “It’s fucking tearing me apart. I deserve it. I deserve it.”

“Jaemin.” Mark makes a reluctant move to reach out to him but stopped and goes back to his seat instead. He must be just as unable to think as Jaemin is.

“All these years, I’ve given it all I could to ignore my heart. But it’s just not working—-it’s always there—— no matter how I try to alter my attention to someone else—- I just couldn’t.” Jaemin chokes in his words. The alcohol offers him the courage to say the words he couldn’t admit even to himself. “It’s always there at the back of my mind. I tried avoiding him. I stopped coming home to him. I stopped talking to him. I stopped coming to school. But in the end I—-for Christs sake—- I ended up craving for the thought that he was chasing after me. It’s all fucked up, Mark hyung. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I stopped living from the time I turned my back on him.”

“You did?” Mark asked. “You stopped talking....to him?”

Jaemin nodded in shame.

“But does he know? Why you suddenly disappeared from his life?”

“I’m afraid that if he found out... I will lose him.” Jaemin bites his lips at the thought.

“But didn’t you made it happen already? Without him finding out?” The sound of worried in Mark’s voice overwhelms Jaemin.

Jaemin stares down at his foot. He could feel the blood prickling on his skin when words such as losing Jeno would sound too loudly in head. He could feel it physically, the pain is there to be entirely felt.

“You can tell him now. You either win him or not, but that’s up to the both of you. Don’t just mourn it by yourselves. You need each other to settle this.” Mark’s word was clear as if he already thought this through.

“He doesn’t wanna see me anymore.” Jaemin replies. The scene of Jeno’s face and words replays in his head again and again. Jeno is crying as he says Jaemin had nothing to do with him, like Jaemin is a nobody. The place in Jeno’s heart Jaemin managed to achieve, a nobody. After all he’d done, how can he face Jeno anymore? It was hard even for him to look at his own reflection in the mirror.

“That’s understandable. If Donghyuck will suddenly stop talking to me and wouldn’t tell me why, I’d be dead angry too, you know.” Mark says a matter of factly, but the only difference is that he’s not in love with Donghyuck, and Donghyuck is not in love with him. “Tell me, Jaemin, what made you decide this all of a sudden?”

“It’s not sudden. It’s——I. I don’t know hyung.”

Mark heaves out an incredible sigh. “It’s okay, Jaemin. I’m listening.”

“There’s this girl I liked in grade school that he found online and he kept pushing me to her. I just thought that—- I was thinking maybe—- that he was doing that because he already figured out so he’s chasing me away to someone...else.” Jaemin begins. “And I started acting on impulse..like...I get so fucking jealous when his attention is not on me and it’s just so fucking crazy—-right.”

“I’m sorry, Jaemin. I thought Renjun’s words are enough to keep your sanity. But it seems like you still have all these bottled up inside you. I could’ve been a better hyung for you to lean on. Your penchant for thinking too much is a little out of hand.” A frustrated Mark sits beside Jaemin and placed a hand on his back, rubbing comfortable circles that they both know won’t ease the pain regardless.

“Renjun doesn’t commit me into what I should or shouldn’t do. He isn’t pulling me back, but he wasn’t pursuing me either. He’s just there.... a lot and I supposed he’s already heard enough of my shit. This is why I came to you. Not because I’m drunk or anything or that you’re Jeno’s cousin. I just need anyone to hear me out right now.” Jaemin is thankful that Mark is listening.

“I’m always all ears Na Jaemin. I’m sorry if I was mean to you this whole time because I was quick to figure out your intentions to Jeno. But you are my friend and I hate it that you’re hurting this way. I’m sure he’s hurting too. If you want, I can talk to him for you.“

Mark might’ve caught him million times looking at Jeno like he sees stars, or that his actions were too obvious and it’s just Jeno who’s oblivious to it all, and the older has always been against it. Jaemin shakes his head abruptly. “I came here because I thought you’d discourage me. So I can finally made up my mind to let it all go. It’s just my stupid heart that’s always holding me back.”

“By let it all go, what do you mean?”

“I’m leaving.”

“To where!?” Renjun almost screamed it. His hands quickly left the handle of the microscope and whatever it was he’s trying to look into the platform fell on the snow white table. All eyes on Jaemin, incredulous.

Jaemin baffles shrugging or shaking his head and ends up nodding instead. He sat on one of Renjun’s couch. His usually straight back is now bended into a slouch with all the heavy weight there is on his shoulders. “I’m dropping out.” Jaemin tells him though Renjun already knows he’s ought to leave the school but he promised to finish the school year.

“Jaemin there’s only two months left. Can’t you wait for two months?” Renjun’s voice almost breaks as to how frustrated he is.

“I’m going home.”

“To where?” Renjun raised a brow.

“Incheon.”

“Alright. I’ll come with you to the office. We can ask the school administrators to give you the final exam in advance or they can reschedule it for you.” Renjun casually offers but the worried can be heard in his voice.

“Thank you, Renjun.”

“But are you sure?”

Jaemin didn’t respond.

“I already talked to Mark and apologised to Hina.” Jaemin informs him.

Earlier that day, he d asked to Hina but she was out of town until next week so he called her instead. Jaemin doesn’t even know where to start but he managed to tell her that, “Hina, I didn’t want to tell you this on phone and I want us to meet but I’m afraid I’ll be back to Incheon by the time you comeback in the city. I realized that afterall these years, it’s still Jeno that I love.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Hina was laughing from the other side of the phone. “Us going out is just two friends catching up to each other. And I know that, Jaemin. Nobody can change that fact you’ve been keeping from him for years, not even yourself.”

They’ve talked about it a hundred times back in gradeshool. When he and Hina were assigned to water the plants planted by their group in the class, Jaemin couldn’t use his sugary words to Hina because she’s scary when she’s angry and she’s angry at him all the time, so he was quietly filling the bucket of water when Hina all so suddenly pinched him on the ears and asked him, “You, you like Jeno, don’t you?” That had Jaemin fall back to the floor from where he was crouching on the the corner wall where the faucet is. Jaemin was lost for words, all the emotions of a twelve year old boy gathers around his heart and he doesn’t know what to say and maybe his mouth is hanging wide open because Hina lifted his chin up with a mischievous smile on his face.

Will it work to Hina if he denied it? What’s the catch if he were to admit it? Jaemin wasn’t able to say anything because Hina is clapping her hands in victory when she said, “I knew it! I knew it! Are you flirting with all the girls so he wouldn’t find out!?” Jaemin was slightly thankful that Jeno arrived just in time that he didn’t have to answer Hina as he jumps and clasp her mouth with his hands.

“What was that!?” There’s a playful smirk on Jeno’s lips. Clearly, he misunderstood it.

“Nothi—-“

“Jaemin likes me.” Hina announced.

“I’m happy to see you again, Hina.” Was all Jaemin could say before he hanged up.

“Na Jaemin, are you sure about this?”

Jaemin wasn’t so he looked up at Renjun for the other to look for the answer in his eyes.

“Jeno doesn’t know anything at all, and worse, he doesn’t know that you’re leaving. You sure you want to leave him hanging like that?” Renjun tells him. But his words just couldn’t convince Jaemin anymore.

“Look at me, Renjun. I can’t face him anymore.” Jaemin exhales, covering his face with his cold palms. He’s tired.

“Dude, if you think none of us understand you, then I’m sure he will.” Renjun said but it sounded more like a question. Why is Renjun suddenly all over the idea of him and Jeno talking it out.

“Like what? Lee Jeno I know you’re my bestfriends for seven years but I fell in love with you so I guess we need to stop seeing each other?” Jaemin provides. He must’ve been too silly right now.

“Don’t know.” Renjun mutters. “Just at least let him know what went on. Don’t just leave him in the dark. Maybe not now, but someday.”

“Someday.” Jaemin nods.

The air in Inheon reflects that of Jaemin’s soul and his body shivered with every wind that blows. Anxiously, he kept checking his phone waiting for his mother to pick him up at the station. It didn’t take long until the woman he loved the most waved at him from the car window and he flashes Jaemin a sad smile as if she already knows. He didn’t wait for her to get out of the car before he jumps in for the warmest hugs he deserved.

The drive to their house was silent. His mother allows him to tell her his troubles without asking to not break the comfort zone between them. “Jaeminnie, I love you.” Said Mrs. Na, giving Jaemin a peck on the forehead.

“I love you too, Mom.”

Jaemin recalls one moment with her when he was eleven years old.

“Oh, are you making gifts, Jaeminie? For who?” His mother asked.

Jaemin smiles shyly, placing a hand at the back of his nape once he settles the jar of beads to their shopping cart. “I’ll make one for you too, Mom.”

That night on Christmas eve, he helped his mother arrange the gifts under the huge golden Christmas tree. Jaemin displays his gift too, ever so carefully because it’s something too precious. His mom noticed this and tells him, “You must have really worked hard for you gift.”

Jaemin nods and looks up to his mom smiling brightly at him. Nothing shines as bright as his mother’s smile, not even the golden Christmas lights or any fancy chandeliers. “Mom, there’s someone I like.”

His mother made an O face that sounds so dearly. “What is she like? Do I know her?”

Jaemin looks down to his foot, wishing there’s an easier way to open up to his mom about this. He’d always felt insecure as a kid. There’s this growing omen at the back of his mind that makes him feel out of place, that he was not acceptable to the social norms. Not everyone can understand him, or even worse he could be condemn for feeling something. He hated the absurdities of being different because of his sexuality that he had to cut himself into pieces to suit the societies approval to what’s normal and what’s needed. All because he was afraid to the meaningless words threatening to catch him even at his young age.

“Is it Jeno, then?”

Jaemin’s eyes grew big when he looks back up to his mom still smiling at him in a loving way no one could ever done for Jaemin in this cruel world. For once, Jaemin feels home in his own skin and to his mother’s embrace wrapped warmly around him. “Mom, I love you.”

“I love you too, Jaeminie.”

On Christmas day, Jaemin catches himself in love as he watches his mother talking to Jeno by the fireplace, wearing the bracelet he gave him.

Jaemin’s room is still the same when he left it eight months ago before the class started. Rest assured his mother would dusk off his belongings as her daily routine. He lie down on his bed, taking his hat off and that’s when Jaemin breaks down in tears. The nostalgia, the loneliness, the guilt and all the discomfort that’s been dwelling in his heart. If he could bring himself back to the past, he wouldn’t fall for Jeno, as if he had a choice. He wished he could be a better person who doesn’t get caught up with raging emotions that he shouldn’t feel. Why is it that a crippled boy like him isn’t able to guide his own heart, his own mind, that’s in his own body?

He clasped his palm in his mouth, suppressing all the cries that’s coming out. No matter how much he already told himself that Jeno and him would part one day, it’s still hard to swallow down, for it’s too soon and that it was his own decision to make. There are million other ways to fall in love with someone else, but his heart screamed for Jeno everyday.

How is he going to explain to Jeno the first time his guts starts to sickly twist just by looking at his face? Or the tightening in his throat just by hearing Jeno’s voice? Or how the butterflies in his stomach whenever their skin would touch? Even if Jeno understands him the most, he wouldn’t understand why Jaemin would be in love with him.

Jaemin’s heart once again felt happy as he sits by their dinner table, his mom setting the food for her. It felt overwhelming to be taken care of and he just missed his mother more than anyone.

“Should I tell your dad you’re here? He’d be surprised.” His mother asked, pouring a glass of peach juice for Jaemin.

“It’s okay, mom. I’d still be here until he’s off work next month.” Jaemin reassures him with a smile.

“You’re staying here for good?” His mother asked, her voice breaking a little.

It pained him to see the sad smile his mother has to offer him now when he nods. “I miss you and dad.”

“Should we get you a dog? You wanted samoyed for a long time, don’t you.” His mother asked once they were at the mall.

Jaemin’s face light up. But samoyed would only remind him of.... he shakes his head.

His mother eyes grew big in sudden realization. Maybe he remembered how Jaemin would always tell her that Jeno looks like a samoyed back when they were kids. “I’m sorry, Jaeminnie.”

“I never get to confessed to him, mom. I just left.” Jaemin says suddenly. They’re across the line of freezers where the ice creams are at the grocery store. Not much people are there but even if there are, he’s certain nobody would care to listen to them.

His mom stopped for a moment to look at him. “And here I thought you got rejected. Two weeks you’re here, I’ve been meaning to call on Jeno so I could pinch his ears.”

Jaemin laughed a little. It’s actually relieving that he can now. As if the solid rock in his chest became lighter with the days. It wasn’t easy to let go, but it was easier than to hold on to someone he never really had. Jaemin makes himself believe that it wasn’t wrong to walk away from the things that hurt him. Maybe first heart breaks really meant to hurt this much. You don’t learn love, despite the amount of novels and poetries Jaemin read about love, you feel it. And once you do, there’s no turning back. But to save yourself, you have to. It wasn’t a competition either, but if you hang on to something that isn’t there, you lose.

Contrary to what it may seem, Jaemin has no grudge over Jeno. It’s him that made a fool out of himself. But he knows he’ll forgive himself too, someday.

“Wait, mom. Mint chocolate isn’t my thing, it’s Jeno’s. Let’s get the vanilla instead, okay?” Jaemin picked up the pint of vanilla ice cream.

His mom looked at him apologetic but smiles anyway. “Anything you want, happy birthday, Jaeminnie.”

One day, he will see Jeno, but Jaemin wouldn’t be looking at him anymore.

There’s so much more in life. There’s so much more to love than just one person. If you fall head over heels, you pick yourself up. You get your heart broken for someone, but you get to fix it yourself. The painful experience turns his life around like a reset. The new environment, the new people, and the new world is smiling back at him.

Five year old Lami sits on his lap with a book in her hand after she reminds Jaemin to promise that he will marry her when she’s eighteen years old. Jaemin knows better to than to remind her that Jaemin wouldn’t anymore be eighteen by the time, because the last time she did, she cried her eyeballs out and Jaemin felt so scared that his co volunteers at the nursery school had to call her parents to stop her from crying. She didn’t, though, and it only takes for Jaemin to tell her that, “I’m peter pan. I don’t get old.”, for her to finally stop sobbing. Much to his co-volunteers disgust, and then there’s Hendery who almost choked on his food mouthing a, “Bro, ew. That was too much.” And Jaemin only laughed.

Most of the volunteers at the nursery are seniors preparing for their college entrance exam, which leaves Jaemin, an upcoming senior, and Herin, a pretty girl from England and the same age as him, to be the only volunteers that day with the teachers.

“Jaemin-ah. Can you look after the kids by yourself a bit?I’ll be off to the canteen to get snacks for them.” Herin sheepishly tells him.

Jaemin nods and watches as Herin sends her a smile and leaves by the door. Their at the play house where Jaemin is usually assigned because the nursery teachers claimed that there’ll be less chaos becase the kids would listen to Jaemin more. The kids, not older than six, are on the floor reading books or half asleep, like Haein and Jaemin smiled at how cute she is because little Minguk is telling everyone to keep quiet so she wouldn’t wake.

Jaemin sends Minguk an apologetic look, who’s sending a pout at his direction, when his phone suddenly buzzed and he expected it to be a message from his mother. When his phone flashes from an unknown number, he reads the message instantly.

“Hey, Na Jaemin. How are you doing?” Jaemin reads the first message. From completed and proper spelling of words and lack of emotions on the text, Jaemin could already guesses who it is.

“Heard you moved and changed your phone number. I got it from Jungyeon, a co-volunteer of yours. Such a small world. I used to meet her a lot at science exhibits.” Jaemin reads the second message.

“Hey, Jaemin. I know it’s been four months since you cut contact with all of us, me included, but I just wanna tell you that I miss you. Kidding. Alright, maybe I’m a little worried. I know this is sudden but, anyway, it’s about Jeno. For all you know, he stopped talking to me ever since you left. He might have thought I have anything to do with you leaving. You grew up with him, so it’s not surprising that his brain is just as little as yours. So, you see, he came by yesterday. I don’t know if I should tell you this, but since I already started, just so you know, he’s asking me about you. Guess he didn’t believed it when I said you cut ties with me too. But he’s here for hours asking if you left because you’re tired of cooking for him, or folding his clothes, or fixing his bed. So stupid, right? Haha.”

It’s just a message, but Jaemin once again felt his throat tighten. He can breathe just perfectly, though, but maybe it’s the butterflies in his stomach that’s making him—-

Another text, and it reads “I know I’m in no place to tell you this but don’t you think it’s about time you talk to him? I mean, you’re good now, right? I’m happy for you. I don’t get happy a lot, but I’m happy for you.”

Perhaps, the words that are left unsaid is still at the tip of bis tongue. Perhaps, loving someone doesn’t mean you should be with them. Perhaps, there’s part of him that still wishes...

With nervous fingers, Jaemin types back. “How is he?”

It took a minute for a reply to arrive and he can almost hear Renjun saying it. “Oh? You’re asking about him and not me? Honestly, Jaemin, what am I to you all this time? Geez. The disrespect. Anyway, I’m not sure but he kept in touch with everyone except for me so I don’t really get to see him much. Who cares LOL. Donghyuck said he couldn’t get any words out from him at all, and they’re roommates now, so I’m actually surprised he came here yesterday asking about you.”

For once, Jaemin’s walls didn’t break for Jeno. His heart didn’t beat for him. And he stopped to imagine his smiles.

“Injunnie, I missed you a lot >;( I’ll come by on the weekend but don’t tell them yet, okay?” Jaemin types back.

He almost laughed at the thumbs up emoji Renjun sent to him as a reply, confusing Lami and asking him what’s so funny.

Jaemin sees his friends, Renjun demonstrating odd burning liquids on a flask to Chenle and Jisung who’s clapping at him in awe. Then there’s Donghyuck, his voice loud and he kept screaming how he can do it too, while Mark was shushing him to keep it down. Even his mom was in the same room, pouring a cup of coffee for his dad who’s reading a newspaper on the table. And suddenly, there’s Jeno, smiling at him and........... it’s like Jaemin’s life flashes right before his eyes. The heavy rain making it difficult for the road to see, and there’s a disturbing loud honking of cars and Jaemin missed the break when...

When Jaemin opened his eyes another time, everything was blurry and it hurts all over. His mouth tasted like rust and he couldn’t feel his hands nor move his feet. There’s something so heavy weighing on his chest and his throat went dry, shooting pain all over his body when he coughed and everything goes dark with only the faint sound of the sirene fading in the background.

“Jeno.” Renjun starts and Jeno looks up from his mobile game. “Jaemin said he’ll come by the weekends but Sunday is almost ending now and he won’t reply to my texts or answer my calls.”

Jeno stared back at him as if saying, so you’ve kept in touch with him afterall.

It’s almost hilarious how the world works. Others would throw away what you wished you have. While others desired what you didn’t wish you had. If you don’t fight fare, you win, but you struggle in guilt. If you fight a good fight, you lose. Your live revolves around one person, when you’re not even a part of their world.

Jaemin always prayed to God that he gets to be happy one day. That he gets to be loved one day. While he asked, is it really possible to love so much as much as he had come to love Jeno?

Jaemin almost couldn’t believe it when open his eyes. In God knows where, he sees Jeno, blurry and dark, but he knows it’s him when his eyes could finally make out the mole right above Jeno’s cheek. It’s a wicked thought, but he’d know Jeno is an angel all along, and he wonders in another life if he can be—-

“Jaemin.”

He finally comes to. It might have been the effects of too much pain killer that have him hallucinating but—-

“Jaemin, are you awake?”

Jaemin snapped his eyes open once again. Almost blinded by the white walls as he looks around and finally figured where he is. At the hospital, with Jeno, not an angel, but the real one, right beside his bed. And it flashes like a movie scene that replayed in his head of what had happened that night. Jaemin is on his motorbike when it suddenly starts raining. It was difficult to see the road and the stop light is in flaming red telling him to stop but all else failed when he pressed the break. Jaemin raised an arm to clutch at his chest and it was difficult to move. The pressure on his chest stings and suddenly, there are warm gentle hands that catches him on the risk.

“Jaemin, you’re awake.”

Everything went blur once again.

One thing for sure is that Jaemin isn’t dead. It doesn’t take to be as smart as Renjun to figure it out and his stupid self finally proves it when he was able to breathe aloud on the oxygen in his mouth. The white walls and the ceiling still looks familiar. Except, Jaemin feels lighter and it’s not that cold anymore. He’s about to shift when his eyes fall on the ball of raven hair beside his bed and suddenly, Jaemin couldn’t breathe again. His movements might have cause to other to wake, because Jeno already had his head up and scratching his eyes.

“Jaemin-ah...”

Oh shit. Jaemin could’ve swore his body was a lot better when he almost jumped to his side and clutches a pillow to his face, turning his back on Jeno. Jaemin isn’t sure if it was the untied oxygen that slips off his face that’s making it hard to breathe, or Jeno’s presence.

“Jaemin, why are you doing this?”

Jaemin felt a light, no it actually hurts, punch on his back and he stopped himself from screaming at the other. He felt a shifting on his back, and it might be the top of Jeno’s head nuzzling at his back right and the other’s delicate fingers clutching at the back of his hospital gown.

“Jaemin, you’re an asshole. I hate you.” Jeno rants about, and he’s crying.

Shit, Jaemin muttered to himself.

“I hate you so much.” Jeno says again through broken sobs. “You stopped talking to me for no reason, and you left, and the next thing I know, you’re dying. What are you doing to yourself.....and to me?”

Jaemin felt a breach in his heart. All the guilt gathers like pins and needles piercing through his chest right now. He’s wrong. He was selfish. Jeno didn’t deserve all these. He shifts, slowly so he’s facing Jeno now but the other has his face placed on the bed. Before Jeno could raise his head up, Jaemin was quick on covering his own face with a pillow and mouthing an “Owwww.” when he felt a stinging pain on the wounds in his arm and chest.

“Can’t you quit that...already.. please.” Jeno’s voice sounded so weak.

Jaemin closed his eyes. He doesn’t know what to say or what to react. All his shame pouring down on him like thunder.

“I miss you, Jaemin. I really thought you were going to die... without me knowing the reason of your leaving. That’s so unfair.” And Jeno is crying again.

Jeno sounds so broken and it breaks Jaemin too, knowing that this is all his doing. He takes up all his courage to finally look at Jeno, hands covering his eyes as he wipes his tears. With hesitant hands, Jaemin reaches out for him. The warmth he never felt for a long time that causes an erratic beating in his heart. All courage going down the drain when he finally sees Jeno’s face, eyes staring back at him and Jaemin pales. Like the coward he is, and for the nth time that day, uses the damn pillow to cover his face again.

“Shit, shit. I’ve been in love with you for a long time that I forgot how to look at your face as your bestfriend.” Jaemin blurts. A confession, he realised sooner because Jeno’s sniffles stops and so does Jaemin’s heart.

“That’s really your reason for leaving me, Jaemin-ah?” Jeno asked in a low voice. So calm and all but he managed to snatch the pillow away from Jaemin.

Like a cornered convict, Jaemin rest his arms on his stomach and frowns at the ceiling, pretending that Jeno isn’t there. It’s good to know that he could still fuck up even on a dying state. Makes him feel so alive. Nice.

“Look, Jaemin. It might have slipped off Mark’s tongue once but, just so you know, I didn’t believe it at first, but what made you decide you can just go without consulting me about it?” Jeno goes on about.

“It’s not like you can do anything about it.” Jaemin deadpans, hoping he didn’t sound too mean. It’s not Jeno’s fault after all.

“Why do you even like me? You’re weird.” Jeno says back, fast.

Jaemin looks at him impossibly.

“I mean, that’s awkward as hell.”

“This is exactly why I couldn’t tell you at all, Jeno.” Jaemin looks away. It’s terrifying how Jeno easily accepted something what Jaemin had to mourn over for years. That’s when Jaemin realised how much they grew apart. Then he looks at Jeno. Those same gorgeous eyes looking back at him, like they used to when they were kids. He was reminded of the time when they first met in grade school, they were wearing the same Iron Man bag, and Jeno looked lost so Jaemin didn’t think twice to approach him. But when Jeno stared back, Jaemin felt dumbfounded because the word gorgeous should only be used to describe a girl. But Jeno just stands there, like the whole epitome of the word.

Now that they’ve come down to it, with Jaemin finally confessing to him, he’d find his answer. Maybe Jeno would tell him to get over it and propose that they could be friends again, and Jaemin would comment at how smooth his rejection would be but he will have to think about it because, well, it hurts. Maybe Jeno would feel disgusted now that Jaemin finally confirms it and cut ties with him right there and then. Maybe Jeno actually likes him too and——

“I was hoping you had more to tell me, Jaemin-ah.” Jeno’s eyes falls.

Jaemin ponders whether he should simply apologised or say more. But he choose the latter, taking a deep breath and hopes the words to come would not disappoint Jeno even more. “I avoided you because I couldn’t control myself.” Jaemin starts, looking at anywhere but Jeno’s gaze. He feels so small, but adds, “At the beginning, I was fine with just keeping all things to myself. Well, I managed to live with it for some years, but it gets harder as we grow older. I realised I got it really bad when I started getting jealous even to our own friends. Remember that one time I pushed Donghyuck away when he was trying to kiss you?” Jaemin recalls but he didn’t wait for an answer in case Jeno doesn’t remember. “Or every time you’d be too focused on Jisung when we’re at the dance studio... I become so jealous. So jealous when I saw Yeeun walked out of our apartment and that’s the same day when you cut me off. So jealous because I only want you to look at me and I know that’s never gonna happen because you don’t see me the way I see you. Though I accepted it for a long time, it still gets to my skin. And I know this is really odd for me to say because we’re always together but I get nervous around you, okay? I can’t even look you in the eye anymore without my mind telling to just damn kiss him already and I know that’s sick. That’s fucking sick, Jeno. “

Jaemin breathes, the amount of words coming out of his mouth surprises him. So this is all what’s bottled up inside him all along? But there’s more and Jaemin needed to continue. “Hina. You’ve always thought that I liked her, don’t you? That was never the case, actually, she’d always always known that I liked you. When I saw you looking so happy about me meeting her again, I felt like that was your way of telling me that I don’t stand a chance to you. That you’re starting to get the idea that’s why you’re pushing me to her. But you’d still smile at me, you’d still be there for me, and it’s fucking pathetic because I get my hopes up for nothing and I just— I just know that I had to stay away from you. For the sake of the very little love that I have left for myself. From the time that I was away from you, I thought that I finally moved on—-but seeing you again, now, like this, and telling you what I feel— it’s like I’m back to square one, Lee Jeno.”

“I’m sorry. Jeno abruptly says and it sounded too earnest to Jaemin’s ears. “I’m so sorry. Because all these time, I have no idea that you feel this this way. I had no idea what you were going through.”

It’s me, Jaemin wanted to say. He hates that Jeno had to apologise for his own affliction. Jaemin stares when Jeno gets up from his seat and he shivered at the warmth of Jeno’s palm on top of his, holding him like he was going to break.

“I just want to say thank you for taking care of me and for loving me through all these years. Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. You’ve always mattered to me. You’re very important to me. But I’m sorry that I had to show myself again, Jaemin.” Jeno swallowed the lump in his throat and continued on, “I’m sorry that— I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way.”

The pain felt like a slit in his throat and his heart begins to throb, through his chest, through his brain and through his ears that it became deafening. The wound that he’s tried to patch all these time ripped off and Jaemin felt too exposed to the reality that he wondered if he’d lived his life a lie all along. His insides is in chaos, like all the calamities gathered together to take everything that’s left of him.

“I’m sorry, Jaemin-ah.”

Are the last words he’s heard of him, so loud, yet so blurry and he heard the sound of footsteps and the closing of the door. 

Jeno had to save himself, too. The same way Jaemin saved himself.

That’s when Jaemin realised that, somethings are in fact better left unsaid.

Jaemin hadn’t any idea for how long he’d stared on the ceiling, or why he isn’t crying despite the intensifying pain both emotionally and physically in his consciousness. Perhaps, it occurs to people who feel to much that their own body refused to act accordingly anymore. His eyes falls to the image of his mother coming in from the door with paper bags of baked cookies in hand.

“Jaemin, I saw Jeno coming out of the hospital but he didn’t see me.” His mother says, placing the bags on the hospital desk.

Jaemin snorts a pained laugh. “Mom, he rejected me after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ll be happy soon Jaemin i promise >;<


	3. Final

Starting a university life was a daunting experience. It only been his second week and Jaemin has yet to feel emotionally and physically drained like those freshman college students he sees in the movies. Perhaps, he’d adjusted well on his daily routines and find himself interested in his lectures. It wasn’t easy to make friends, too, as Jaemin learned that you just have to charm everyone with a smile. He presents himself like the confident person he is, a trait that he got from his mother. Hendery, his senior at the nursery volunteer and an Architect major in their college is his new dorm mate. They get along pretty well and Hendery always promised that he will help Jaemin with his Math courses. 

There’s Herin, too, at the volunteers and a freshman just like Jaemin who promised she will help him with English. They met at the hallways and Jaemin helped her with the three hefty books she’s lifelessly holding for her dear life while he listens to her daily complaints of her seniors always asking her to do carry stuffs for them when really, it should be Jaemin complaining since he’s the one who carry them for her all the time. 

“I really shouldn’t have acted nice. Great. Now I’m a seniors’ pet.” Herin laments, sighing for nth time and they just met ten seconds ago. 

“Don’t be so mean calling yourself that.” Jaemin coos, although he laughed. 

“Stop making fun of me, too.” Herin says stern but there’s a pout visible on his lips. 

“I’m not.” Jaemin reassures with what knows is his blinding smile but she just rolled her eyes at him. 

There’s buzzing in his phone and they stopped on their tracks. Jaemin shifting the weight of the books on one arm so he could fish the phone out of his pocket when his shoulders bumped to somebody’s chest and the books fell. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Jaemin apologises quickly as he hurriedly bend down to gather the books that fell on Herin’s heeled shoes. When he’s done, he looked up to the stranger and continued, “I’m sorry, I—-“ 

“Nana?” 

From the sudden familiar nickname. Jaemin’s heart catches a little and he stayed rooted in his spot as he takes in who’s in front of him. Wearing a red shirt with a print of the numbers 23 on it, a faded jeans, and his hair is as dark as Jaemin could remember, swept down to his face. “Jeno.” Jaemin says and looks at him. He breaks the silence again and says, “You enrolled here?” He asked, a stupid question at that because the answer is obvious. Why else would Jeno be here and he’s wearing an ID too. 

Jeno nods, still staring back and he looks startled too. His usual crescent eyes opened wide. “It’s been a while, Nana.” 

Jaemin nods back and he smiled. “It’s nice to see you.” 

“Me too.” Jeno smiled back, his eyes crinkling to crescents like they always do. 

“I’ll see you around?” Jaemin puts his lips into a thin smile. 

“Let’s meet sometime, Nana.” Jeno finally says and his eyes linger at Herin for a second, before he smiles back at Jaemin for the last time. 

Jaemin couldn’t wave back because of the books his holding but he smiled anyway. 

“Nana? Who’s the guy.” Herin raised a brow. She must’ve already recovered from landing of the books on one of her toes. 

“I’m sorry about that, Herin.” Jaemin sees her discomfort and apologises. “He calls me that. My bestfriend when we were in high school.” 

“Oh, why do you seem distant, then. You seem like you meet to the first time after many years and highschool was just 3 moths ago.” Herin queues. 

“I moved in senior year. We grew apart, I suppose.” Jaemin answered but it was a lot easier to say now. When it once used to hold millions of emotions in Jaemin’s chest.

“Really? Sounds suspicious.” Herin raised a brow.

“There’s nothing suspicious at all, Herin.” Jaemin laughs. 

“Well, he’s cute.” Herin comments, eyeing the direction Jeno passes through the crowds of people. “You didn’t even introduced me.” She pouts.

“Were you interested?” Jaemin teased.

“Hmm. Maybe.” 

From: my dottori <3 

Nana, can we meet at the cafe today? 5 o’clock. If you don’t have classes. 

It’s a surprise to have received a notification on his Line account. The last time he used the app was when he video called Renjun three months ago when the latter was waiting for his flight back to China. He’s going home for good and he can only imagine how sad Jisung will be once Chenle would fly back to Shanghai next school year. He must’ve missed to delete the app last week when he was cleaning up his phone since it’s on a folder with his study notes in his phone. 

To: my dottori<3 

Sure, Jeno. :) 

He replied. It was a surprise to have met Jeno last week and he can’t wait to catch up with him. He had certain questions to ask Jeno, like what major is he taking and when did he moved. 

When they entered the cafe, Jeno is already there seated at the table on the corner of the shop. He saw Jaemin and Herin coming in watched them take their seats across the table. 

“Hello, I’m Herin. And I heard from Nana that your name is Lee Jeno. It’s nice meeting you.” Herin was first to introduce herself, offering her hand for a shake. She must’ve copied Jeno in calling Jaemin in his nickname. 

Jaemin sees the surprise in Jeno’s face at Herin’s bold friendliness but he takes her hand anyway. “It’s nice meeting you too, Herin.” He says. 

Jeno’s not wearing his glasses. Jaemin guesses he’s wearing contacts now judging from the way how his eyes flutter almost every time. His eyes gets easily irritated with literally anything and probably from the lenses too. “You ordered already?” He asked and Jeno shake his head. “The usual?”

Both Jeno and Herin answered a “Yes” and Jaemin got confused for a second before he goes to the counter to order. When he looked back at their table, he sees Herin trying to engage Jeno into a conversation with the other looking rather shy. He’s still the same Jeno who gets anxious about meeting people for the first time and Jaemin smiled to himself. But more on Herin having her way with Jeno, what an adorable sight to see. He notes to tease her about this later on.

Jaemin comes back with a tray in hand and hands the chocolate mint to Jeno, the matcha green tea for Herin and the americano for himself. He wondered what the two have talked about since it looks like Jeno have opened up to Herin a little, smilling. He could ask her later. “You don’t have classes at this hour?”

Jeno nods. “My classes ends at 4 today.” 

Jaemin’s class ended ten minutes before 5 o’clock today. “Oh, did you wait for a long time?” 

“Not really, no.” Jeno shakes his head.

“Jaemin just sleeps in his classes, if anything.” Herin comments out of nowhere. 

“I don’t do that.” Jaemin almost whine. 

“Stop lying. You’re just yawning every time I look at you.” Herin rolled his eyes. 

“Why were you looking at me when you’re supposed to look at that board?” Jaemin laughed. 

“You wish.” Herin sticks his tongue out on him. 

“I just know that most engineering courses ends at five.” Jeno speaks up again. 

“Oh. That’s true.” Jaemin says, although he doesn’t remember telling Jeno which major he’s taking. “I’m taking up computer engineering.” 

“Well, I—it’s just that, you’ve always been good with Maths and computers so I figured you’d take engineering courses.” Jeno says shyly and he looked down on his drink. 

“Is he?” Herin comments absentmindedly. A little too sarcastic at that. She smiled when Jeno nods shyly at her. 

Jaemin wants to point out the fondness in Herin’s eyes when she looks at Jeno, but he didn’t. They can always talk about Herin’s little crush later. “What are you taking, Jeno?” 

“Architecture.” Jeno says with a small smile. He’d always dreamed to be an architect if not a game developer. 

“Guess we’re both taking a five year course.” Jaemin laughed. “Let’s graduate together?” 

Took Jeno a long before he answers with a “Sure.” 

Most of their conversations went on with Herin talking random stuffs to Jeno and she’s barely trying to engage Jaemin into the conversation. He really needs to talk to Herin about it later. When he could’ve bribe Herin to give her Jeno’s phone number so she could buy him dinner, which goes down the drain immediately because Herin beats him to it, asking for Jeno’s number herself. They spent two hours at the cafe with Jaemin thirdwheeling. 

If he’d notice Jeno’s hesitance every time he talks or smile, Jaemin didn’t point it out or asked him about it. 

“My.... he’s do handsome. More handsome than you are.” Herin says dreamily once they’re in front of Herin’s dorm. 

Jaemin has grown accustomed of driving her home since she lives a little far from the uni. “You think I’m handsome?” 

“Nothing compared to Jeno.” 

“Really now.” Jaemin laughed. “Get inside and go to sleep.” 

Sighing, Herin slumps her shoulder. “I’ll probably dream of him. Thanks for taking me home, Jaemin.”

“Anytime.” 

Jaemin sleeps that night, without the worry of his heart racing to a fast pace when he looks at Jeno. Like magic, he didn’t get butterflies when he heard Jeno’s voice. And when Jeno leans in that day when they said goodbye whispering “Can it just be the two of us next time, please?” didn’t replay like a movie scene in his head. 

He’s awaken by the sound of Hendery rummaging on his box. It’s barely eight o’clock when he checks on his phone and his classes today doesn’t start until one in the afternoon. “Hyung, what’s wrong?” 

“I promised some freshman dude I’m going to lend him my portfolio in the drawing class. I forgot where I put it.” Hendery answered. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

Jaemin yawned. It was fine and he slept enough. “Isn’t it the one under your bed? The yellow sketchpad?” 

“Ah! Exactly!” Hendery exclaimed and quickly dashed to where his bed is and reached for the sketchpad to dusk it off. “You’re a life saver, Jaemin-ah. Thank you!” 

“Anytime, hyung.” Jaemin smiled and get up to prepare his breakfast. He’s on the cushion having a cup of coffee when he received a message from Yukhei, another senior from the Industrial Engineering department this time. He found out that Yukhei is friends with Ten, their used to be dance choreographer back in highschool. 

From: Yukhei bro

Heard from Ten that you were in his team in highschool!! :D come by the lobby and signed up on my dance team!!! Jaemin!!!! :D

To: Yukhei bro 

I’d love to!!! :ㅇ 

Jaemin replied even if he knows he won’t. He’d much spend his free time to go home to his parents on weekends, and his ever so adorable, the cutest, the fluffiest and the bestest boy, Mochi, his eight month old samoyed. Jaemin could only sigh when his mother sent him a photo of Mochi sleeping like the angel he is on Jaemin’s bed in their home. 

When he met Jeno again sometime that week, it was at the study area and Jeno is in one of the seats, alone, too occupied with a ruler and pads in his hands. He looked so intent in his work that Jaemin wonders it would even be necessary to greet him. But then again, Herin beats him to it with a, “Jeno! What a coincidence! It’s a fancy seeing you here.” Herin says and casually sat at the vacant chair on Jeno’s table. She then looked at Jaemin, pointing at the chair across them when there’s a vacant seat beside her to which Jaemin could take his sit with easier access.

Jaemin shakes off and reserves his teasing for later, taking a seat. 

“Good to see you.” Jeno says, looking at him. 

Jaemin smiled at him and studied what Jeno is occupied in doing. There are scratches of chairs in his pad, drawn like a professional. Compliments were about to flood out of Jaemin’s mouth when he sees a familiar sketchpad right beside Jeno’s work of art. “Is this—- You know Hendery?” 

Jeno looked up at him with big eyes and nods. “It’s his.” He confirmed. “You know him too?” 

“He’s my roommate.” Jaemin informs. “How come I forgot to tell you that I know a senior from the architecture department, and my roommate at that. Is he helping you a lot?” 

Jeno nods. “He even let me borrow his tech pens. It’s the third week but I have yet to buy my stuffs because I didn’t have time and the bookstore in the school closes early.” 

“That’s good to hear.” Jaemin wonders if it will be okay for Jeno if he offered to join him to buy it at the mall instead.

“I’ll come with you!” Herin is the first to offer, startling Jeno a little. “The bookstore at the mall opens until 9pm.” 

Before Jeno could answer, he looked at Jaemin first who offered him an encouraging smile and ignored the funny wink Herin sends in his direction. 

From: my dottori<3

Nana...  
Herin doesn’t known what went on between us, right?

It’s eleven o’clock and Jaemin is about to fall asleep when his phone buzzed. What went on between us, he reads again. None of that meant anything anymore.

To:my dottori<3 

Did she ask anything?  
Don’t worry Jeno. I never told anyone, I promise :) 

Jaemin replied. It wasn’t the very truth, and wasn’t the very lie either because he’s only told his mom and that’s a given and well, Renjun, of course. He wonders if Herin is still out with her suspicions and queries as to why Jeno and Jaemin grew apart after being best friends for along time. 

From: my dottori<3 

no not really, no. Not at all  
its just i was wondering why she’s so friendly and nice to me  
im sorry for jumping into conclusions nana

She’s got a crush on you idiot, Jaemin wants to reply. 

To:my dottori<3

^•^ don’t worry about it! She just want to be friends with you! 

Jaemin replied. He would’ve asked how did their, as Herin callled it, a date, went but he fell asleep while typing. 

From: my dottori<3 

Nana, can we meet today? :) 

To: my dottori<3 

Aw I’m sorry, Jen. I have my prelims coming up tomorrow :< let’s set it another time, eh?

From: my dottori<3 

Sure..

The library and the study room is packed so Jaemin found himself in one corners of a tea shop with Hendery. He’s not a tea person, but Hendery is, and he’s left no choice. Architecture and engineering overlaps with minor courses and he’s glad the older didn’t take Integral Calculus last year and so they’re classmates now. 

“I’m suddenly angry at all these theories. Why can’t we just use the equations? Why do we need to derive?” Jaemin laments. Burying his face on his notebook. He’s good to go for today’s exam, though, sleep deprived for only sleeping for four hours last night. Complaining is always a good stress reliever. 

“At least you aren’t crying like Yukhei. Last night, he kept saying he’ll transfer school.” Hendery rubs a comforting circle on Jaemin’s back. “He’s been going on about it since last year, but look, he’s still here, we can do this.” 

“Sure we can.” Jaemin exhaled loud. Then he remembered about the sketchbook. “By the way hyung, did you lend your notebook to the freshman named Lee Jeno?” 

“Oh.” Hendery says. “How do you know him?” 

“He was my best—-my friend in highshool.” Jaemin says and the way Hendery raised his brow must be from when he stuttered a little. 

“How come you never told me you know anyone from my department?” Hendery rolled his eyes. He’d always been into helping people younger than him. No wonder he volunteered on the same nursery school with Jaemin. “And you best friend at that.” 

Jaemin ignored his question. “He said you even lent him your tech pens.” 

“Of course!” Hendery exclaims. “If I knew he’s your bestfriend, I would’ve give him my new ones. Dad kept buying for me. He thinks I need new ones every semester.” 

Jaemin laughed and wonders how tiring it must be to be kind like Hendery. “I think he’s good? Herin accompanied her to the mall last week.” 

“Herin knows her too?” Hendery was a little startled. 

“Not really. Well, only through me? But don’t tell Herin you know about her little crush, okay?” Jaemin winked at him. 

Hendery burst out laughing. “Got it! I’m not surprised, though. Jeno’s such a good looking guy.” 

Jaemin nods. “World’s most handsome.” 

It’s raining outside and Jaemin’s forgotten his umbrella at home. Fixing his jacket at the bathroom mirror when he saw Jeno’s reflection entering the door. “Jeno.” He greets. 

Jeno looks surprised and he signalled for Jaemin to wait and entered one of the cubicle. When he gets out, he’s still fixing his belt. “Jaemin.” He says and walks to him. 

“You done with classes today? It’s raining really hard outside.” Jaemin asked, still looking at the mirror. It startled him a little when Jeno reached out to fix a portion of his bangs with the tips of his fingers, though his touch didn’t burn anymore. 

“I—I’m sorry.” Jeno pulls back quickly when he noticed.

“Thank you.” Jaemin gave him a reassuring smile. “So?”

“Oh. My last class got cancelled since the professor couldn’t make it. What about you?” Jeno answered. 

“Same. Do you have any umbrella with you?” Jaemin asked and Jeno nods. “That’s good. Let me drive you home.” 

Jaemin holds the umbrella for them and Jeno was quiet the whole time. Which reminds him of that day in gradeschool, when he was just getting to know Jeno and offered him his umbrella as they walk home together. Jeno didn’t say anything until they’re seated in Jaemin’s car. 

“It’s a new car.” Jeno says, bracing his seatbelt on. 

Jaemined hummed, changing his shoes into comfortable slippers. It’s easier to drive with slippers on. He turns on the AC but turns it off immediately when Jeno shivered a little. “Dad bought this last year. He said I should never, ever, ever ride a motorbike anymore.” 

“Oh.” Jeno’s voice cracked a little. 

“Don’t worry. I don’t got any bad records in driving this car just yet. For now.” Jaemin looks at Jeno, playful smile in his lips. Tomorrow is the weekends and Jaemin is heading to his own home too.

Jeno looks scared. “Then I’ll just take the bus—“ 

Jaemin grabbed Jeno’s wrist who already took off his seatbelt, sprinting out of the car. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” He laughed and quickly let go when Jeno looked down at their entangled hands. He sat back reluctantly. “Seatbelt on, please.” 

“Were you drunk that day?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin starts the engine, recalling what could probably be the most terrifying day of his life. “No. It just started raining suddenly. Like today.” Jeno’s eyes widened at him, making him laugh. “I’ll drive you home safely. Don’t worry.” 

When Jaemin pulled out of the parking lot, Jeno asked “Where’s the girl you’re always with? Herin?” 

“Oh. I totally forgotten about her.” Jaemin nervously laughed and pulled out his phone to call her. After three calls, he announced, “she’s not answering.” 

“You should wait for her here. I’ll just take the bus.” Jeno says. 

“No.” Jaemin shakes his head. “It’s raining really hard. It’ll be difficult to catch a bus in this weather. Let’s go, where should I take you?”

“My house. If you remember.” Jeno looked up at Jaemin as if expectantly. “It’s far up ahead. You can drop me down to the nearest—-“ 

“I’ll take you to your home, Jeno.” Jaemin smiled at him. 

It was silent again when they once Jaemin starts to drive. There are a lot of things he wanted to ask Jeno, how is he, and all that, but he isn’t sure if it will sit well on Jeno now that he’s more reserved than he was before. 

“Jaem—-“ 

“Jen—“ 

They said in unison. “You first.” Jaemin muses.

“I’ve missed you.” Jeno said. But that didn’t send electric down Jaemin’s spine. 

Jaemin smiled at him. “How are the kids? Jisung and Chenle.” He wondered how the guys reacted when they learn about Jaemin’s tragedy over Jeno, and his accident. Other than disappointment, of course, it’s only natural that they’d be. Donghyuck probably fumed over it, and maybe he strangled Renjun knowing the latter knew it all along. Jisung was probably confused. While Chenle, that giant baby, who’s cute as a puppy but sharper than a diamond, he’s probably not surprised. The last time Jaemin met them was when they came over to visit him at the hospital.

It took a moment for Jeno to answer. “They still fight all the time. Jisung took my position at the dance team. He’s still pestering Chenle not to leave Korea since Chenle got a scholarship offer on Culinary arts college somewhere in Seoul. He’s considering it, I think. Donghyuck is training on an idol company now and is calling himself Haechan. And I’m sure you know Renjun flew back to China few months ago.” 

The last statement that Jeno filled him in sounded a little bitter but Jaemin chose to ignore it. “Haechan? That sounds a little funny. But I hope he can debut soon. It will be cool to be friends with an idol, right?” 

“He kept singing out loud. I had to suffer living with him for a year.” Jeno laughed. His voice sounds more comfortable than all these time Jaemin gets to see him again. 

“Why didn’t you join him? I remember how people used to confused you for an idol back then. And you dance so well.” 

“I would’ve done it with you together.” 

Jaemin wanted to look at Jeno, to see right through his words, but he had to keep his eyes on the road. 

“You know I’m not confident.” Jeno mused. “I can only do things whenever you buck me up.” 

It’s like Jeno hasn’t changed at all. He can clearly remember how nervous Jeno becomes whenever their dance team would perform, no matter how hard we worked for it, and Jaemin will always offer him encouraging words. Jaemin wished Jeno had more confidence to himself, he can go places with his face, and his dancing skills specially. 

“I’ll drive you to any agencies right now, if you really want to.” Jaemin looks up at him, serious, then focused back on the road. 

Jeno didn’t answer. 

Ten more minutes of silence and they’re in front of Jeno’s house. Jaemin was about to wave goodbye but Jeno insisted him to come inside, and he didn’t have the heart to refuse. The house didn’t change a bit at all, from the way Jaemin remembered it when we were kids and how many times they spent Christmas eve there with Jeno’s parents and his. The same atmosphere too, when they were greeted by Sol, Nal and Bongsik in the doorway. 

“They still recognize you, it seems. They’re usually strict.” Jeno says. 

“Of course, I carry them a lot when they were babies.” Jaemin says, confident, lifting a really heavy Nal in his arms. “And this pretty girl, I used to give her a lot of treats.” 

Jeno replied with the warmest smiled Jaemin had seen before. “Come in, Jaemin. Mom will be delighted to see you.” 

Mrs. Lee is just as pretty as Jaemin could remember. Jeno got his crescent eyes from her, and even the mole on top of their cheeks. She excitedly greeted Jaemin with a really warm hug, with Nal jumping down from his arms in the process. 

“Look how you’ve grown so handsomely, Jaeminnie. And you’ve gained weight.” She says, pinching both his cheeks. “How come Jeno never told me you go to the same uni? What major did you take?” 

“Computer Engineering.” Jaemin smiled at her. “You’re still so beautiful and young looking.”

“Oh dear! told you! If you love games so much, you should’ve taken IT classes.” Mrs. Lee hits Jeno on the shoulder who only whined in response. Then she looks at Jaemin again. “Did your mom change her phone number?” 

“Oh. She did.” Jaemin nods. “Her phone fell in the toilet and the sim card broke, too.” 

“I was trying to call her when I passed by Incheon sometime ago and she wasn’t answering my calls, and when I went to your house, the neighbour said you already moved. I scolded Jeno about it because he never filled me in.” Mrs. Lee is pouting right now. Adorable, like how Jeno would react unconsciously sometimes. 

“You always scold me for no reason, mom.” Jeno says, earning another hit on the shoulder that had Jaemin laughing out loud. He didn’t missed Jeno’s muttering of how Jeno is her son and not Jaemin, like he always sulk about ever since they were kids, and proceeds to the kitchen. 

“Why is my baby not as adorable as Jaeminnie?” Mrs. Lee whines and sits Jaemin down on the cushion. 

They talk, and talk and talk. That’s when Jaemin figured out that Mrs. Lee had no idea what happened between him and Jeno two years ago. Catching up, he tried to be careful with his words, in case Jeno makes up his own excuse as to why Jaemin had to transfer in senior year. He learned that Jeno’s sister opened an ice cream shop somewhere in the city after she graduated from the same university. Jeno decided to take after his dad and sister who are both architects. 

Jaemin told her about his trip to Jeju and Sapporo with his parents on summer break, and that their hospital opened another branch in Busan. His mother, who is a doctor, retired so she could stay at home and rest. Just like Jaemin, she had little problem with her back, too. Then his father who got promoted as the CEO of the bank company he’s been working at for twenty five years. Jaemin told her what it’s like to be a computer engineering student, working with enormous codes and Mrs. Lee could only dramatically recalled why she quit IT before and shift to Forestry instead. And before she could start about how romantically met Jeno’s dad, a story Jaemin heard over and over again, Jeno is calling from the kitchen saying that the food is served. 

He waited on the table with Bongsik and Seol while Jeno makes the peach juice. It’s always served on the Lee’s house, whenever Jaemin is there. It’s nostalgic, how home he feels right now, and the times he would come here to sleep over at Jeno’s room replayed in his head. The two of them playing, or talking till dawn until they fall asleep. 

It seemed Mrs. Lee already passed through her frustrated cook phase and Jaemin enjoyed the steak. Complimenting her again and again how good it tasted, charming the woman even more. 

“If I’d known you’d sleep over, I should’ve cleaned Jeno’s room.” Mrs. Lee said once their back in the living room.

“No, thank you, mom. I clean my room everyday,” Jeno rolled his eyes. “And he’s not staying over.” 

“I didn’t bring any clothes with me.” Jaemin said, hoping it would pass as an excuse. At least it’s a lot better than saying that he can’t sleep over because his mom is waiting for him at home, Mrs. Lee wouldn’t accept that at all. 

“Clothes?” Of course, Mrs. Lee will be whining about. “You can use Jeno’s clothes! You’re still the same size even until now.” 

“Please ignore him, Nana.” Jeno said, embarrassed, earning a scowl from his mother. 

“By the way, I told you to bring down the boxes of your old clothes. We’re giving them out for donations. You never listen to me.” Mrs. Lee scolds Jeno. 

“Ah whatever. I’ll do it.” Jeno could only groaned and climbs upstairs with heavy foot. 

Like always, Jaemin would watch in amusement at the endearing quarrel between Jeno and Mrs. Lee the same way when they were kids. She then asked Jaemin to go upstairs and help her lazy son while she feed the cats. 

Jaemin climbs up and reluctantly knocks on Jeno’s room. The door he slightly ajar but he knocked anyway. Doesn’t matter how cozy he feels in this home, he had consider whether or not he’s still welcome in Jeno’s..... 

“Jaemin?” 

Jaemin stepped in and found Jeno on his bed. He’d change to his sleeping clothes, a shirt and a jersey shorts, just like Jaemin always do before he goes to bed. “Mom—-your mom told me to help you out.” They used to call each other’s mom their own. He looked around and saw three boxes beside Jeno’s bed, but his eyes didn’t miss the desk where the framed photos of him and Jeno when they were kids is still up there, and some of them are still pasted on Jeno’s wall. The way it was before. 

“It’s getting late.” Jeno looks up at him from his phone. “Mom—your mom is probably looking for you now.”

It’s crazy how they made the same mistake in addressing each other’s mother. 

“And these boxes aren’t heavy at all.” Jeno said, as if reading his mind. 

There’s something about Jeno’s eyes that tells Jaemin how much everything had change so he just nods. “I’m saying goodbye to Mrs. Lee. I’ll see you around at the campus, Jeno.” 

When he gets home that night, exhausted in his bed, and with the sleeping Mochi beside him, Jaemin woke up with a notification in his phone. 

From: my dottori<3 

nana. Thanks for dropping me home today. Mom and the babies are really happy to see you

also..i didnt have the courage to tell u earlier but i just reallly want to apologise about what happend before

i know that ur a really nice person. like u always are. and i was mean to u. Im sorry, nana

Jaemin is actually taken aback, reading those messages and wonders if it’s the reason why Jeno is tiptoeing and reluctant around him. He pondered what to reply, and maybe he should apologise too, but he’s afraid it’s only going to haunt the calmness that settles between them now. He opts for something safe. To avoid a breach to whatever that’s starting to rebuild between them. After all, maybe Jeno isn’t after reconciliation. Maybe he’s just here to apologise and Jaemin is all ears to accept that. 

To: my dottori<3 

It’s not a problem, Jeno ^-^  
That was in the past. Don’t think about it anymore. Everything’s ok now ^•^

Like a crumbled paper that can’t be perfect again. Jaemin just know that this is where it ends. Before he knew it, water poured into the flames this time, not gasoline. His heart beats steadily like his breathing, as if there’s not a drift of wind in the sea. 

It’s a warm afternoon and Jaemin’s neck itches from the sweat after his P.E class and he walks out of the gym with Herin in tow, who’s been going on non-stop about her VIP ticket on a Lee Jongsuk meet and greet. He’s still laughing, asking Jaemin what she should wear like she’s going to a date. 

“It’s a date.” Herin says, stern. 

“Fine, fine.” Jaemin waves her off. “But it’s still a meet and greet, though.” 

“Jaemin can you like shut up already!?” She whined, hitting Jaemin on the chest with her purse. 

“Ow. That hurts.” Jaemin groaned, clutching at his chest when he spotted someone familiar in one of the bleachers. It’s Jeno, in his PE uniforms too, crouched down the ground and tying his shoes. It was like an instinct that Jaemin almost made a move to dash forward and tie it for him, like he always does, which could’ve made things awkward. But Herin was faster, pulling Jaemin away and sitting beside Jeno instead. 

“Hi, Jeno.” She said, in a cute manner. It’s so rare for Jaemin to hear her talk that way. Well, until she met Jeno. “Is your PE done too?” 

Jeno looks up at Jaemin, that lingers a little longer and Jaemin just stood there wondering if he should leave before Jeno turned back to Herin. “Yes. I had to run an errand that I couldn’t change right away.” 

“Wanna grab lunch?” Herin asked Jeno. 

But Jeno looks up at Jaemin before he could answer again. “It’s okay. I don’t wanna impose. I have somewhere to be.” Jeno walks away, none a glance spared. 

“Geez.” Herin snorts, a pout on her face as they watches Jeno’s back disappearing from the crowd. “I feel so rejected.” 

“You’ve been turned down.” Jaemin states. Even if he knew that’s what it’s gonna be with Jeno after their talk last night, he’s still worried. 

“Is he angry? What did you do to my baby?” Herin shots him a look. 

“So, you’re like a mother now? Who’s the father?” Jaemin teased. 

“No, I’m serious. He’s like...angry.” 

Jaemin dropped the teasing. “You were with him the last time. What did you do?” 

“He’s quiet the whole time we were at the mall.” Herin sighed, recalling what she named his first date with Lee Jeno. “But he bought me cotton candy, so it’s still a date, right?” 

“I buy you coffee all the time. Those were dates too?” 

“You’re disgusting.” Herin crossed her arms on her chest. “No, really. You still haven’t told me anything about what happened between you being best friends before.”

“What is there to say?” Jaemin pursed his lips together. What is there to say? 

“Fine, if you don’t, I’ll ask him myself.” Herin says, walking away. 

“Wait, Herin.” Jaemin grabbed her arm. “Whatever happens, please, promise me. Promise me you will never ask him anything.” 

Herin looks back, studying Jaemin’s face. It’s like she had gotten the message and Jaemin trusts that she won’t. 

Everyone’s head is turned in front of the arts building. Even Jaemin who’s five minutes late for his Chemistry class remained rooted in his spot. There’s a loud blaring of music and dancers clad in what looked like astronaut costumes are giving it their all to the bit. And he wondered if... 

“Jaemin.” 

It was Jeno’s voice. When he looked back, Jeno is walking towards him with a pile of folders in his hand. When he expects him to be one of the dancers Jaemin is watching intently for awhile now. “You were watching too?” He asked instead. 

Jeno shakes his head. “I just arrived.” 

“Thought you’d be one of them.” Jaemin says anyway, eyes still trained on Jeno. 

“Jaemin, we’re okay, right?” Jeno asked hesitantly. 

Jaemin didn’t want to think about it much and just laughed. “Of course, we are.” 

When Jaemin came to his home that week, his mother on the cushion brushing Mochi’s hair who’s sound asleep, he slowly makes his way and sat on the other side, sending his mom a smile. 

“Have you had dinner?” 

Jaemin nods. “Mom, I had dinner with Jeno.” 

“Oh?” Mrs. Na stopped her hands and looks up at Jaemin with worried expression. 

“I haven’t told you that he goes to the same uni taking architecture and I went to their home two weeks ago.” Jaemin informs her. Mochi is awake now and she shifts so her head is now laying on Jaemin’s lap. Looking up at him like Jaemin is the most important thing in the world. 

“Wait, what else have you not been telling me?” His mother ask. If she was disappointed, she doesn’t want to show. 

“I’ve sort of bumped onto him the first time we meet. And we’ve hanged out a few.” Jaemin says. 

“But, are you okay?” 

Jaemin blinks and nods, sending his mom a reassuring smile. “He apologised to me through text.” 

“But, are you still....” 

“No, mom. I didn’t feel a thing.” 

“Jeno’s was outside our classroom earlier. I think he’s looking for you.” Hendery says. “You okay, bro?”

Jaemin peeks out of his blanket. Head still spinning and painful like it was going to break. “Did he say anything?” 

“No, not really.” Hendery sit on the side of his bed, feeling Jaemin’s head with the back of his palm. “I asked if he were looking for you. He said yes, then said no. You good, buddy. Temperature’s a little normal now.” 

“Something happened to Jeno?” He asked. Feeling a little better than when he woke up his morning. 

“Don’t know. Can’t you ask him over a text?” 

Jaemin nods and picks up his phone on the desk, then put it back again. 

“What’s wrong? You two not in good terms?” Hendery asked. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry but I was guessing he’s the reason why you transferred before. I overheard you talking about if with someone over the phone, you were in the pathway while I was in the room making foods dor the kids at the nursery, a few days before you got to an accident.” 

Ah, he was probably talking with Renjun. There’s no catch whether to deny it or not so he just nods. “I just really didn’t think I’d see him here. I mean, this was our hometown, so, jokes on me. Huh?” 

“You good, bro?” 

Jaemin nods again. “I’m at my best, I think.” 

“Proud of you.” Hendery smiled at him. 

“I’m proud of me too. I outdid myself at that, huh?” Jaemin could only shake his head at the memory. 

“Was it bad?”

“It was severe.” Jaemin admits. “We’ve been best friends for seven years. I got too attached, you know, emotionally. Tried shaking it off when we were younger but highschool deemed it impossible so I just... I just left.” He sighed. Talking about it for the first time with someone else after a long time. It’s almost unreal how the calmness in his emotions never falters. Like it was some sort of funny memory you’d cry about when you were five, the exaggerations, the childishness, but not anymore. “Maybe it was just a phase? A curiosity? I’m just, you, know, glad that he rejected me. I mean, there was never really a chance to begin with.” 

It took awhile for Hendery to say something. “He rejected you?” 

“Yeah.” Jaemin nods. “I was in the hospital days after the accident and he was there. I wasn’t thinking much, probably the painkillers, so I confessed just like that. He wasn’t surprised either. He’s not cruel, you know. But he can’t feel what he doesn’t feel, not even for me.” 

“Wait—wait. That’s too much to take in.” Hendery raised a hand to his chest, then closed his eyes, like the cheerful and funny person that he is. There are countless times when Jaemin would feel subdued due to incoherent classes and work loads of projects but Hendery is always there to offer a hand. “So you were like, bestfriends, then you fell in love with him and he rejected you. That really sucks. I don’t know what to say.” 

Jaemin can only laugh at how lost Hendery looks. “It’s more of like unreal how I can’t remember how it felt anymore.”

“Even after you saw him here?”

Jaemin nods. “I bumped into him on the hallway. He texts me and we would hang around sometimes, with Herin. He’s still very shy around people the way I remember him.” 

“Couldn’t agree more.” Hendery is nodding now, too. “But Jaemin, it’s like you’re telling me that when you liked him, it wasn’t genuine at all. If it didn’t mean anything now.” 

“Maybe?” Jaemin shrugged. “I couldn’t say it wasn’t genuine. Kids are curious. People change. Some things are not meant for us.” 

“Then why do you think you met him again?” 

Jaemin looks at Hendery, then back to ceiling. “He sort of apologised to me. I’m glad he felt relieved, finally.” 

“So, he’s guilt tripping you?” 

“Huh? There’s no way. Jeno is not that type of person. He can never even kill an ant.” 

“Well, people change, like you said.” Hendery argues. “What if he’s that type of person now?” 

“There’s no way.” Jaemin says, stern. “Jeno wouldn’t do or say things that would hurt anyone. Even if he’s angry, he wouldn’t say it, he’ll just cry about it without the other person knowing. He’s the type of child that would listen to whatever his parents would say, so he wouldn’t disappoint them. And you know what, he even apologises to cats when he accidentally steps on them.”

“Sounds genuine.” Hendery is smiling. 

“What is?” 

“Hey, Jaemin. Can you look at me?” Hendery demands, leaning closer. 

“What, hyung?” He asked with brows raised. 

“It’s different. Really.”

“The way you look at everyone else, me, and Herin included. And the way you look at Jeno.” Hendery says like he’s proving a point. 

Jaemin sits up. “What are you saying, hyung?” 

“Well, I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed how you look at everyone with that fondness in your eyes. Like everybody means the world to you. But I noticed that, when you look at Jeno, there’s something unreadable. Like, you’re, I don’t know.” It’s almost annoying how Hendery’s serious expression turned into something funny. “Kidding.”

But Jaemin laughed anyway so he wouldn’t think about what the older started. 

Jaemin knows he really shouldn’t think about what Hendery said about the way he looks at Jeno. It could be one of his jokes, for all he know. But he finds himself reluctant to meet Jeno’s eyes, when they met him at the hallway. 

“Jeno, come grab lunch with us.” Hendery said to Jeno that sounded more like a request than an offer, and wraps an arm on his shoulders. Before Jeno could even object, Hendery turned him around. “Jaemin’s treat, right, Jaemin.” 

It’s almost annoys him, the wink Hendery threw in his direction, and Jeno’s confused gaze staring right into his soul. 

“What was Jaemin like in highschool?” Hendery asked Jeno through mouthful of food.

Jaemin’s eyes grew big, and so does Jeno. His eyes fall back to his food as the silence ensues. He didn’t realize he was anticipating the answering when Jeno begins to talk. 

“All he does is flirt around here so I was wondering what he was like.” Hendery fakes a pout. 

Like in the old days, Jaemin would defend himself that he’s just friendly and not a flirt when Jeno suddenly speaks. 

“He still does that?” Jeno asked Hendery with wide, startled eyes. 

“Hey, what are you saying? I’m just frie——“

“Friendly.” Both Jeno and Hendery said in unison. 

Jaemin sighed in defeat. When he looks up, Jeno is laughing. It came out so naturally and Jaemin wouldn’t deny just how much he’d miss that. He’d even say it, if Hendery isn’t giving him that dirty smirk right now. “So, how did you guys know to each other?” He asked the two of them instead. 

“Jeno is so cute, I had to approach him.” Hendery says immediately, as nonchalant as he could gets. 

Jaemin looks up and see how flustered Jeno is. If he wasn’t denying, then he’ll say nothing about it. “So any time soon you’re talking him into joining that freshman pageant, right?” Then he looks at Jeno. “I saw the bulletin board. He’s one of the pageant directors, be caref—“ Before Jaemin could finish, Hendery is pinching his side so hard he almost screamed. 

“Don’t worry Jeno, that’s not it.” Hendery defends at the worried looking Jeno. 

“That’s what he’s saying now. He’ll talk you into it soo— ah!!” Another pinch on his side. 

“Hey that’s not it!” 

“See, Jeno. If I didn’t warn you he would—-“ 

“Jaemin, you little shit!” 

“L-let me go. Jeno you should run—— haha!” 

“It’s fine.” Jeno says, making both Hendery and Jaemin look at him. “If you want me in it, I could try.” 

“Wha—-“ 

Hendery clapped his hand so hard it sounded like it hurts. He wasted no time, getting up from his seat and pulling Jeno with him who has yet to finish his lunch. “Come, let me introduce you to everyone.” 

And Jaemin is left alone with his bowl of noodles that turned cold and is barely touched, watching they’re retreating backs. He wondered if Jeno meant what he said. If he did it out of pressure, or if he did it to prove Jaemin wrong. Then he felt curious what Jeno would look like in fancy clothes, with his hair styled, and all the make up—-

Jaemin was startled at Herin who sat across him on the table, her lips pursed and arms across her chest. He’s about to laugh and tease but Herin spoke, annoyed, “This is annoying. I heard Hendery wants Jeno to join the freshman pageant.” 

Hendery might’ve shouted it in the hallways. “What’s wrong with that?” 

“Girls are going to be all over him.” 

“And?” 

“That means more competition for me, dumbass.” Herin deadpans, rolling her eyes. 

“Oh.” Jaemin laughed. “You’re in love with him now?” He chides.

“What’s so funny about that?” Herin replies quick, still irritated. 

If he were required to actually answer, he’d tell her. How unfunny it is to fall in love with Jeno. But Herin isn’t Jaemin, so he wouldn’t dare say that. How falling in love with Jeno had him fall apart. Jaemin tries to clear his heart from the sudden tug and blinks at her, who’s looking at him confused. “Hey, at least you went on a ‘date’ with him already.” He quoted. “And I’m your trump card, I know him well, I’ll help you win his heart.” 

“Trump card my ass.” Herin rolled her eyes another time. “If I didn’t know, you have him saved in your contacts as my dottori with a heart.” Herin quoted. “You’re a competition too.”

Took a moment for Jaemin to say “Oh.” Herin might’ve used his phone without his consent. “Hey, what are you sneaking on my phone for?” 

Herin leaned in, and says with her puppy eyes, “I just want a selca of him I could use as my wallpaper.”

Jaemin laughed and shakes his head. “You could ask him that yourself.” 

“Jaeminnie, you’re really unfair!” 

To: my dottori<3 

Hey Jen, good luck for tomorrow!

From: my dottori<3 

thanks nana  
I’m really nervous  
im not sure if i can do it at all

To: my dottori<3

What are you saying! You’re the smartest and the most handsome among all the people! Cheer up! I know you can do it! I’ll be watching, okay?

From:my dottori<3 

thanks jaemin  
I will do my bestest!!! i promise :D :D

It took Jaemin approximately five minutes to take another step, because now, in the crowds of all the people, blaring loud music, and flickering lights, Jeno is making his way to the crowds. With his hair styled up, sharp brows and eyeliners highlighting the mole right above his cheek and his lips redder than usual. Jaemin forget to notice of the lavander and red tuxedo he’s wearing just looking at his face, he looks rather confident, exceeding Jaemin’s expectation of him to actually join the pageant and becoming crowned at it. 

In the last day of the first semester, a smile crept up on Jaemin’s face and he idly clapped his hands which catches Hendery’s attention. Now, the older is pulling the helpless Jeno and they’re making their way to where Jaemin is rooted. A nervous high-pitched laugh breaks Jaemin’s concentration and next thing he knows, Hendery is shoving him to Jeno. “Go take a picture, you two.”

He guesses this is the reason why Hendery told him to dress up well. But he knew no matter what he wears, nothing can compete to the breath taking aura Jeno omits whether or not he’s wearing that pageant outfit or that make up on. 

“Jaemin, stop staring and pose for the camera already.” 

“Oh, sorry.” Jaemin mumbled and places a nervous hand on Jeno’s back, smiling for the camera.

“Why are you staring?” Jeno whispers once Hendery’s attention are not on them anymore, talking to the swarm of pretty ladies in their colorful dresses who joined the pageant. “Do I look weird in this outfit?” 

“No, of course not.” Jaemin denies immediately. “I just didn’t think you’d do it.” 

“It was worth the try.” Jeno tells him. 

“It was worth the try.” Jaemin repeats. 

He didn’t think he’ll get dragged by Yukhei to his house. “It’s my first time throwing a party, don’t break my heart.” He says with earnest conviction and honestly, nobody is allowed to break his heart if he asked like that. There’s no way Jaemin could make an excuse too, since Jeno is dragged on the neck by Hendery, and Yukhei’s dorm is just across theirs. 

There aren’t much guests, just a few people Jaemin knows and some students from the mechanical engineering deparment that Yukhei majors in. It’s hardly even called a party, since they’re just circled on the floor of Yukhei’s dorm with all the wine and foods surrounding them. There wasn’t a flow in the party, just some of them on their phones like Jaemin, and some who are exchanging short conversations like Jeno with the guests congratulating him. 

“Are you drunk?” Jaemin asked Jeno when he noticed the younger red on the face. 

Jeno nods but says, “No. Just tipsy.” 

Jaemin didn’t drink much, maybe a shot or two. He’s driving home after this once he finds the chance to leave. 

“Jaemin-ah, let’s go.” Jeno says, blinking at him. 

It wasn’t difficult to slip away from the drunk Yukhei and Hendery who are singing with their face down on the floor and he pulled Jeno on the wrist with him as they run out the house and climbs down the elevator. 

“Jeno, it’s late. I’m driving you home.” 

Jeno didn’t answer but he pulled his hands when Jaemin walks him to the entrance of his dorm instead. “Where are we going?” 

“You can take a shower first. I’ll lend you my clothes.” 

“Okay..”

Jaemin waits in his bed after he picked the right clothes he guesses would fit Jeno the most. Which is really just anything on top of his closet since they’re the same size and anything that fits him fits Jeno too. “You done?” 

“Yeah.”

He handed the towel and the clothes to Jeno with the slightly ajar door in his own dorm bathroom and suddenly felt stupid because really, what if Jeno isn’t comfortable around him like that anymore. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled when Jeno walks out, drying his hair. 

“Hmm?” 

“N-nothing.” 

“Jaemin, do I still smell?” Jeno asked and sits beside him on the bed. 

Jaemin leans in carefully. “A little.” 

“Mom’s going to kill me.” Jeno sighed. “Last time I drink, I had UTI.” 

“You should’ve tell me. I shouldn’t have allowed you to drink.” Jaemin says and he felt stupid when he realised he’s in no place to tell Jeno that. 

But Jeno only smiled and says. “Thank you for taking care of me.” 

And it reminded Jaemin of that day at the hospital when Jeno walked away from him. 

“Jaemin, can I stay over here for the night?” Jeno asked. He already told him he’s coming to his home. “I promise I won’t touch your things.” 

“Well, that’s not a problem but..” Jaemin ponders. “If a drunk Hendery finds you in here, who knows what he’d do to you. I can’t leave you alone like that.”

Jeno pursed his lips into a thin line. “I understand.” 

“I can stay with you here, if it’s okay with you.” Jaemin offers, trying to find the right words to not make things uncomfortable with Jeno. He didn’t want to strike up a tension between them. “I initially plan on going home but mom and dad are in Busan until Sunday.” 

“Can I come to your house instead?” Jeno asked with expectant eyes. 

“If it’s okay with you.” 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” 

Jaemin finds himself unable to answer that. 

The good thing about driving late at night is that there’s no traffic and it’s not even an hour past and they’re already in front of Jaemin’s house, opening the front door. “Jeno, let me introduce you to my baby.”

Just when he opened the door, the ball of sugar, spice and everything nice, Mochi is jumping all over Jaemin with her tail wagging over and over. 

“You have a samoyed.” Jeno gasped. “You’ve always wanted one ever since we were kids.” He crouched down and gave the dog a pat on the head. 

“Her name is Mochi, isn’t she pretty?” Jaemin crouched down too, now Mochi’s attention is back to him. 

“The prettiest. Reminds me of our Jisung.” Jeno says with a smile. 

Jaemin lifts up Mochi, the puppy licking all over his face. “Jeno, I know you’re tired. You can sleep in my room, I’ll stay on my parents room. I can make you dinner if you’re hungry.” Jeno only nods and Jaemin accompanied him upstairs.

“Your house is big, and your room too.” Jeno comments and sat on Jaemin’s bed, but Mochi beats him to it, wagging her tail so she’s hitting Jeno’s back to annoy him. Though, still looking so innocent and adorable. 

“Be nice, Mochi.” Jaemin says, turning on the AC. He rumbles in his closet to find new blanket for Jeno. “Are you sleepy?” 

“A little, maybe no.” Jeno nods then shakes his head again. 

“Right.” Jaemin nods in return. “I haven’t congratulated you yet. I voted for you fifty times, no, fifty four times on text votes. I deserve a cup of coffee, don’t you think?”

“Sure.” Jeno laughed. “If you have time tomorrow, then I’ll treat you anywhere.” 

“You used to be stingy.” Jaemin only laughed and sit on the other side of the bed, Mochi immediately jumping on his lap. 

“What a jealous lady, Mochi.” Jeno shakes his head, laughing in adoration. 

“Yeah?” Jaemin kissed the top of Mochi’s head. “My future girlfriend got some real competition here.” 

“Girlfriend? Don’t you like—-“ 

Jeno already cuts his sentence before Jaemin could look at him. What exactly does he want to say, don’t you like me? Don’t you like boys? But just like Jaemin, it seems like Jeno is fighting a mental battle too. The tension is odd, and next thing he knows, Jeno is standing up and making his way out of the door. Jaemin stopped him by the wrist. “No.” Jaemin says stern. “Tell me. What is it that you’ve wanted to say that I know you’re trying to hold back all this time. Say it now.” 

“I’m sorry.” Jeno looked down on the ground. He opens his mouth then pauses again, like he’s struggling. “Jaemin, it’s just....” Jeno bit his lip, but after a sigh, he says finally, “I know I hurt you. That what I did to you can never be forgiven. Jaemin, I know that even if you smile in front of me now, it’s not going to change the fact that I’ve hurt you. The damage that I’ve made of you even when all you did back then was be there for me. I felt so selfish. So stupid that I—I rejected you just like that without even giving you any proper reasons. But because maybe—maybe..” 

“Jeno, stop. It’s okay.” Jaemin says. Whatever Jeno is going to say next, will only make it worsts. Bad decisions. Now he regrets even asking for Jeno to say a thing. He should’ve realize that Jeno’s attitude towards him when they met after a long time is all run by guilt. But it’s not like Jeno could dictate his heart, the same excruciating way Jaemin couldn’t dictate his when he was helplessly falling for Jeno two years ago. 

“Listen to me, please.” Jeno begs with trembling voice. “Jaemin— all these years that I don’t have you around— it’s fucking insane. I’ve gone mad missing you but I don’t know how to have you anymore. It’s sick, it hurts, when I can’t see you, when I can’t touch you anymore, it’s fucking insane. And Jaemin—“ 

“Jeno, please. Stop. Don’t say it.” Jaemin is now begging too. Pushing his hair backwards in frustration. He couldn’t look at Jeno anymore when he saw his tears. The unspoken emotions that once lingers on Jeno’s eyes now flooding away and drowning Jaemin. 

“Jaemin, I want you. No, I even love you, Jaemin.” 

A bitter sigh escaped Jaemin’s lips and he buried his face in his hands. This is all a misunderstanding, Jaemin tells himself. But why is Jaemin’s walls crumbling down like a sand castle, burying him like it was all for nothing? The composure that he established for his own peace, exploding in his chest like missiles. Jeno shouldn’t have said anything he doesn’t mean just to make Jaemin vulnerable. “No, no. Jeno, you don’t. You don’t love me.” Jaemin says stern. “You just—you just feel sorry. You’re guilty. That’s all there is to it. You don’t—“ 

“I mean it.”Jeno’s voice breaks. “I love you and it hurts when I see you happy with anyone else. I’m jealous of how you take care of Herin, and how comfortable you are around Hender—-“

“Stop..” Jaemin says, voice still calm. He knows Jeno doesn’t mean anything he said, whether it was out of guilt or out of pity. Yet, it’s terrifying how easily he could tear into Jaemin’s facade. The damage only adding up with every breath he takes and Jaemin doesn’t know himself anymore, or what he used to be. 

“Am I too late?” 

“No, Jeno, just..” Jaemin huffs in frustration. “There’s no need for you to hate yourself for letting me go. But I got over you, okay,” Jaemin breathes, leaving the part of how Jeno’s rejection made him become a lesser person. How fatal it was and how he could never forget the day his heart was broken. How it once felt to never be able to be whole again. The sleepless nights, the aching throb in his chest, the drowning in tears and how he sank in anger that changes him. All that for Jaemin to wear the skin of another person that isn’t himself. “Don’t make it harder for me, Jeno. Please.. We don’t have to end things this way.”

“Am I not in your heart anymore, Jaemin?” 

Jaemin bites back a lie. A dull sensation of his heart tearing itself once again. Although he knew this has always been incurable, he tried at least. He recovers, and says, “Please, Jeno. Don’t say anything anymore. We can— we can pretend this never happened and I can just leave again. I’ll go far from you—just—“

“Is running away all that you know?” 

Jaemin shakes his head and it’s probably tears that’s running down his cheeks too. “Just go, Jeno. Please. Leave.” He mutters, almost inaudible. 

Not another word was said and all Jaemin heard are footsteps disappearing in the background. It was like a curse, or a spell, that Jeno casted on him with those three words. Cutting him open to the core tearing him to very little bits. And he asked to God, why are people like him who are only destined to be hurt are even born? I wanted love, Jaemin hears himself saying. A love so selfless and real , not the kind of love extracted from guilt the way Jeno shoved it to his mouth and reciprocated because of his conscience. 

Then how come after all those lies and rejection, Jaemin still couldn’t hate Jeno? It’s almost damn hilarious how his devotion is still unwavering despite. If it’s about Jeno, hate would always dissipate in his chest and that he had to put him first. True love can never be found if it does not exists, but it is in Jaemin’s heart, screaming for Jeno’s name. 

Next thing he knows, he’s running after Jeno and stopped him before he could even reach the front door. “You know what, forget what I said.” Jaemin acted before he could think, and then he felt the warmest lips against his. All his reasoning and self control leaves out of his body when he tasted Jeno’s tongue knowing he won’t be running away. Jaemin slides his hands from Jeno’s back up to the back of his hair, twirling his fingers in his locks, and tasting Jeno with all the strength that he can. 

It was desperate, like the kiss is all that Jeno ever wanted too when he pulled him closer, the same way Jaemin wanted him. A moaned escaped Jeno’s lips when Jaemin bites at his bottom lip that the younger hungrily swallowed. “Fuck.” Jeno hissed into his mouth and pulled away for a second, but Jaemin pulled him back again, grabbing at his waist. 

It felt like Nirvana, with all the birds singing for them, like the stars are made to shine only for them, and maybe, for once, he could believe that Jeno loves him too. It all felt too daze with all the desperation in his heart to have Jeno again, making him lose all his senses. All too perfect, until, there’s the sound of the door unlocking. 

They both pulled away immediately, breathing hard. Like convicts caught in the act and Jaemin stares at his mother who enters the door with wide eyes. 

“Jaemin. Jeno.” She says in surprise, eyes wide, as if she had seen a ghost. 

“Mom....” 

“Honey, what’s going on?” It was his father’s voice coming closer. 

“Jaemin. Jeno.” His mother said again, sending them a knowing look. “You two have some explaining to do.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first nomin Bestfriends au fic o: the first chapter is jeno centered and the next chapter, you will hear from Jaemin’s side of the story! Thank u for reading! Also is anybody else here a manly na jaemin enthusiast?


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